Measles and Thanksgiving, You're Welcome Native Americans

By Olivia Newton-John's hyman! Thanksgiving break is almost upon us once again, and for the final time in my college career.  Its a beautiful time in the lives of most students where you go home have sex with that soft 6 from high school and drink with the dwindling group of your high school friends in one of their basements. Unless your me and went to an All boys high school, thus skipping that whole coitus business. However, there is that one day during break that truly matters.  Thanksgiving is the Green Arrow of holidays, not quite as popular as Batman (Christmas) but just as awesome in its own right.  Its a time to shit yourself in your seat after eating too much, watch all of the football, and drink beer that tastes like a basic bitch dressed in yoga pants and singing Beyonce. The most important part is the succulent food.  Having a somewhat hispanic and italian background, I had a fairly unique thanksgiving dinner experience.  In this blog though, I'm going to rank the best traditional thanksgiving dinner foods.

Overrated:
-Corn: If I wanted to shit yellow pebbles all night I'd move to Nebraska get the fuck out of my face with that.
-Turkey: Yupp, I fucking said it the turkey is overrated. Unless that majestic bird is smothered in gravy and deep fried its absolutely mediocre at best.
-Cranberry Sauce- You could freeze one of these and open up a Build-your-own-dildo shop, very similar to Build-a-bear if you ever heard of it.

The Good:

5. The stuffing: I feel like some people are iffy on stuffing, but I just have to say if its made right its fucking awesome.  Toss some sweet sausage and maybe some bacon in there and I salivate from somewhere other than my shorts for the first time since I watched Man vs. Food.

4. Cornbread, Biscuits, dinner rolls: This varies for everyone but a warm piece of this buttered up is like the feeling of a warm embrace of a woman for the first time.

3. Turkey skin: Yes, yes, I said turkey was overrated, but the skin on the other-hand is just so unbelievably good.  Its succulent and cooked to perfection, I want to drape it over myself like a buffalo Bill suit, but instead of it being fat girl skin its oven roasted turkey skin.

2. Mashed Potatoes: creamy and soaked in gravy if I could sleep in them forever I would.

1. Sweet Potato pie: Everyone has there favorite pie and mine so happens contain the unique ability to be had during dinner rather than desert.  If you've ever had a mouthful of sweet potato pie mixed with a bit of turkey skin and mashed potatoes, than you know what Margo Robbie's vagina feels like trust me, I'm a doctor.

pH = 14

That's you ladies.

Sometimes you just literally can't right?

Ya boy Jimmy is back to break down forms of kryptonite to your average basic bitch. (Bill will be adding his own musings as well)

who said 3 Doors Down is irrelevant?

Starbucks Line

When the line for Starbucks is too long I literally can't

They just need the PSL or pink iced drink thing (is that just minute maid in a starbucks cup?) to survive. Without it they're a fish out of water, a salted snail, a vagina-less Crosby, an attention-less Bron Bron, a straight Michael Sam. It just can't happen. (Note by Bill: This was the funniest sentence I've ever read)

You know they could walk to a less crowded Starbucks.

Fuck Rovell

Beyonce

My God she is just too fierce, I literally can't.

They deal with a Beyonce song coming on at a party by promptly launching themselves at the bodies' of all of their friends and screaming the nonsensical lyrics at the top of their lungs. It becomes a waterfall of poon juice as soon as they hear the word #surfbort, I don't know what the fuck a #surfbort is, but it gets basic betches wetter than a Peter North frozen rope. 

I literally can't handle how perfect she is.

Hey ladies I'm pretty sure she's had a child, her vagina is warzone and is far from perfection. 

This video still gets me going though. I said goddamn, goddamn.

Instagram Birthdays 

OMG, my partner in crime, my other half, my sister, it's your birthday and I literally can't.

Question: If a basic bitch doesn't pic stitch an instagram picture of her BFFUIHY (Best friends forever until I hate you) does this birthday actually happen? I'm pretty sure I've only turned one year older in the last 5 years, because I've only been instagrammed once. I don't understand this necessity, but if I'm not showing everyone I know on social media how much I love the friends I met 2 months ago then I'm not living life. 

I'm pretty sure all basic bitches' phones have a self destruct feature if they forget to instagram their friend's birthday. 

However, I believe in you ladies you don't have to do it, delete that picstitch you can do it. 

This is about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop

Yoga Pants:

You know what gals keep doing your thang with this one. 

Wine Night with My Bitches

LADIES NIGHT ONLY!! No boys tonight you silly sluts.  We're going to drink half a bottle of wine and yak on each other, then cry in the bathroom for 4 hours about "Why Scott feels the need to look at other girls. Am I not good enough for him?!" Wine night with the gals we're going to complain about how hot celebrities look while we scarf down oreos dipped in nutella, and an extra large pizza. 

"Why can't I look like her, like I work out!" I can also see that gnarly fucking grease stain running down your shirt. 

Deep down though girls. Never fucking change you're the best and then I wouldn't have anyone to make fun of. Plus by some divine miracle you let me enter your private parts and it is absolutely wondiferous. 

Love you ladies.

But not really

. 

What's up, Fear?

The mind finds pleasure in abundance. It enjoys ample opportunity and consistent achievement. With opportunity and abundance the mind will foster strong cognitive health, positive emotions, and constructive thinking. However, fear prevents us from capitalizing on opportunity and filling our lives with abundance. Uncertainty can hold you back. Uncertainty breeds fear. If you have an interview for your dream job and doubt creeps in, it’s because you fear you are not good enough. This fear will manifest itself in your body language. It will convey your doubt and uncertainty. People can pick up on your fear and they will punish you for it. When you are run by fear, your life rules you, not the other way around. All the negative feelings we have: doubt, apprehension, anxiety, depression, they all stem from fear. Fear of the world. And fear of ourselves. How do we prevent these feelings from taking over our lives? There is only one answer -- conquer fear.  Face your fears and you will realize that you are living freely. By pushing past your mental limitations and trying new and dangerous things you are exercising your mind. So when you next feel depressed or unfulfilled, anxious, or unworthy ask yourself these questions: Is my depression fear? You are depressed because you fear the path ahead is dark and dreary. Is my anxiety fear? You feel anxiety because you fear you might not get the results you desire. Is your self-doubt fear? You doubt yourself because you fear you are not mentally or physically capable. Ask yourself why you are having these negative emotions and then recognize they are all the children of fear. Then make the active choice to say FUCK FEAR. Face it. Embrace uncertainty. You are a man. Know that by conquering you fears you exercising your brain. You are living beyond of the restraints of your mind and fulfilling your masculine potential. When you face fear nothing is holding you back. You will feel sharp, strong, and confident. Become fearless. A fearless man knows he can accomplish anything.

Want more? Check out my website: http://thepathofpersonalpower.weebly.com

Will You Teach Me to Football?

World Cup fever baby, foot fairies of the world unite. Due to the unfortunate experience that I have had in previously engaging at a competitive level in the pussification that is the sport of soccer, I am a renowned expert. So I shall provide unparalleled feedback and predictions for every single group (not predictions when I know for a fact that they're going to be right) in this upcoming world cup.  Hey Vegas, gambling addicts, and bookies listen the fuck up and set your lines and all that bull off of what I am about to say. If you do this you'll have more pesos from that 3rd world shit stain they call a country than can fit in your sombrero. (Yes I know its in Brazil, its a joke, lighten up ya jackasses). Without further ado:

Group of Death more like Group of Countries who suck eggs (boom faced)

Germany: They let the Nazi's play in the World Cup, seems suspect to me. Especially since they already lost to Pele and Sylvester Stallone once. What I seem to be gathering about this team is that they simply can't compete, complete and utter trash. They'll win one game in this group if they don't get taken as POW's for their war mongering Nazi ways.  Sign the Treaty of Versailles and get the fuck outta my face you German weirdos.

Ghana: Seeing as I wouldn't be able to locate Ghana on a map for a million dollars, I'm going to go ahead and say they're going to lose all their games. Sorry Bout it Betch!!!

Portugal: Oh you mean the country where the city of Lisbon is located. And in that city all drugs are legal. Yeah that's a fucking good idea, this 1600s powerhouse is gunna be shooting up on the field. Good luck finding clean needles in Brazil. They have a guy named Cristiano Ronaldo who is apparently the best player in the world.  America has a little someone by the name of Lebron James, ever heard of him?  We'll out dive these pussies any day of the week, they'll lose 2 of their games and tie 1.

USA: Do I really have to say anything here? Who's won the most World Wars? Uhmmmm that would be us. Who invented Grass? That's right Thomas Edison an American, bet you didn't know that did ya.  Without him there wouldn't even be a world cup.  I just learned you something so hard your brain might have exploded, you're welcome Planet Earth. Plus we have Freedom, Liberty, White Castle, and Leonardo Dicaprio. You heard it here first, we go undefeated and win the World Cup. Not shocking the world because we're awesome and everyone else sucks eggs (boom faced again, man I'm on a roll).

Please and Thank you

"Name one thing America has given us" "Chimichangas" "Mexico":

Brazil: Host country scmost country.  In the past two world cups they had a guy who looked like a donkey (Ronaldinho), a guy who was the best but got fat (Ronaldo), and a guy who's name is poop (Kaka), Ha his name is poop.  Good luck with that guys. They'll make it out of their group in first place.

Mexico: I love fucking mexican food, but I'd be more impressed with their soccer team if, when they lost they'd get sacrificed to the Gods like the Aztecs used to do like in that sweet 100% accurate animated movie the Road to El Dorado.  Maybe if they didn't complain about the weather when they lost to America they'd win some games.  Win 1, tie 1, lose 1.

Croatia: They're first king was Tomislav in 925 AD, don't know anything about their soccer team, but you just got an extremely useful fact thrown straight in your faces.

Cameroon: Fun as fuck to scream at the top of your lungs. Samuel Eto'o only has one consonant in his last name, they'll make it out of the group as well.

The Group I Can Probably drink more than:

Spain: What you haven't conquered a country in like 200 years? Good fucking luck trying to win at sports bro. They advance, and won't lose a game.

Netherlands: They wear Orange, when their flag is blue, white, and red, enough said.  You'll have plenty of time to roll doobies while you're living in a van down by the river. Get it because weed is legal there, man liquid gold on the jokes in this one. They will advance as well.

Chile: If I wanted to eat something that makes my asshole comparable to Mount. Vesusvius I wouldn't watch soccer.  Maybe if they had an Incan witch doctor curse the rest of the teams they'd win a game. They'll win 1 and lose the rest.

Australia: Foster's Australian for I can't play soccer for shit. Maybe if there was some outrageous fun involved they could pull off a win, but highly unlikely. Sorry Aussies this isnt rugby, you have to be a pussy to be able to play this game. Won't win a game.

How did these teams make the World Cup?

Colombia: Maybe if this was a competition for who could grow the most cocaine they'd be able to advance. Boom faced.

Greece: Go make me a Gyro, I fucking love gyros they're absolutely delicious. Sadly that's all the Greeks are good at especially after almost bankrupting the entirety of Europe. They shall not advance.

Boner Soup.

Ivory Coast: Yeah, no I'm not going to write it the other way, because this is America and we speak American.  They have a guy named Yaya so they have an automatic advantage, I also assume that their country is filled with wild elephants and the entire team shall arrive atop one so, again advantage Ivory Coast. They shall advance.

I'm assuming this is how they'll arrive.

Japan: Uhmmm I'm pretty sure we beat their asses in WW2 and we can do it again. Hey Japan have more fuel efficient cars...you can't, I can smell your vaginas from here with the manufacturing of those tampons on wheels you call Prius's.  They'll advance as well.

Haven't we beat all these countries in Wars?

Uraguay: When you have Edward Cullen on your team your bound to lose, shiny vampire boners. Sweet Sun in your flag, I bet you think all the planets revolve around it, fucking idiots. If Edward Cullen doesn't play they won't advance.

Costa Rica: When your total Country's worth is around 25 coconuts, I don't think you really have a shot to win the world cup. They won't advance.

England: Uhmmm hey England, who won the Revolutionary war and the war of 1812, that's right America.  Can't win your wars, you can't win sports its a proven scientific fact. They shall advance as long Edward Cullen doesn't play.

Italy: Wait who'd you guys lose to in WW2, that's right America again. I have special hatred in my heart for these spaghetti benders, solely because they are probably the top diving team in the world.  Be less of men while playing a professional sport italians...you can't. They'll advance. They've also spawned the worst type of people in the world...Guidos, fucking gross.

They let Girls play Men Sports?:

Switzerland: "Wait the world's going to fall into an apocalyptic nuclear war, yeah no we're going to go ahead and remain neutral still," These wieners should stick to things they know skiing and sniffing their own farts.

Ecuador: I legitimately have nothing to say about Ecuador. Do they have rainforests there? If they do I could dig some Rainforest Cafe right meow. Those are the same things right? Won't advance.

France: I'm not sure how the french are going to win any games by surrendering before they even start, its a bold strategy cotton. Go ahead and try you old cheese smelling, silly accent having weirdos. They shall advance.

Hondurus: They have enough people in their country to field a soccer team?

The Actual group of death and not for the reasons you think:

Argentina: Messi looks like a hobbit, he's only good because Gandalf granted him special abilities and Aragorn straight up murders anyone who tries to steal the ball from him. They'll advance, one ring to rule them all and one ring to find them.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Is this some sort of indian food?

 Iran: Who knows what they could hide in their beards, be careful out there guys. Won't advance.

Nigeria: The opponents are going to have to focus on not being kidnapped and sold into being a child soldier, that and playing soccer? Almost going to be impossible to beat them. Advance city population KONY2012. (Yes I know Kony was from Uganda, but the guy who filmed the documentary masturbated in public so its funny).

Sometimes I sit in my basement and eat Peanut Butter naked: What who said that?

Belgium: Belgium, I'm going to have to go ahead and have you stop trying to play soccer and get back to making waffles and eating mayonnaise. Thanks. They shall advance.

Algeria: Isn't this where Aladdin is from? I'm pretty sure I could sing circles around these weens with "A Whole New World".  I've had a animated movie based off of me too, its a little movie called "A Brave Little Toaster" ever heard of it?

Soviet Union: So we meet again Stalin, you commie bastard.  Good thing America dominates communists at sports. How'd TJ Oshie's balls taste you commie bastards. If we Reagan punch them they don't even stand a chance.

Korea Republic: Too close to those psychopaths in North Korea, there's no possible way that they could win a soccer game.



There it is, sorry bout it World, but America's got this shit in the bag. You're welcome for the fool proof analysis and the infallible predictions.

No Fly Zone

Well, here I am. A broken man, who isn't even sure if he knows up from down anymore.

Its not often that I admit I'm wrong, even if I am. Why? Because fuck them thats why. However in this case I may have seen the light. 

You see a few months ago my roommates and I were having a debate about something stupid. And even though these debates are not a rarity for us, I was hotter than the hottest of twitter takes. Some of my friends said that they unbuckled their belt, unbuttoned their pants, zipped down their fly AND THEN proceeded to drain the main vain. 

I thought these guys I had been living with were stage 5 wackjobs. Why would you take that much extra time to piss when you could just unzip the fly and poke through? There is only one word that can answer this question:

Freedom

Unbuttoning the pants provides a privilege, nay, a right to freedom. The very same freedom that this country was founded upon. So I urge you, if the setting is right, go for it. Unbutton. Because in Russia they are forced to go through the fly. Can you imagine living in Russia, I sure as fuck can't.

God Bless the USA

Nuts about nuts

Sorry about the long hiatus between blogs, kids. I'm a busy guy. If you read the cranberry sans vodka drinking statie himself Billy Costigan's MDW blog, you know its the start of the summer.

This naturally means tons of this

I don't want to sound too pessimistic, but it is possible our best summers are behind us (or in front of us) but when you live in the utopia that is a college town, leaving for 4 months seems like torture. 

So far, the top summers of your life were probably from after sophomore year of high school to after freshman or sophomore year of college because all your friends are home for the summer and you're working some shitty minimum-wage job. 

I'm gonna break down the best and worst shitty summer jobs. 

The Lifeguard

I'd bet money these 2 have a Jaime-Cersei Lannister thing going on

Now I mean community pool or waterpark lifeguards here. A lot of kids do this for summer and it seems like a lot of the guys are jerkoffs who want to say they saved someone's life and the girls just want to work on their tan. 

Major pro: the view 

Overall grade: B-

Dessert Store Cashier

I've personally done the ice cream/frozen yogurt/water ice gig and it fucking SUCKS. You basically have to work nights and weekends and those are also the most busy times. There might be some tip money but most likely the pay is shit too. Fuck this.

Overall Grade: D

Landscaping

Oh shit I forgot

Overall Grade: F

Waiter

Don't fuck with people who fuck with your food.

The hours are shitty but you get tips and if the movie Waiting has taught me anything its probably kind of fun. 

Overall Grade: B

Delivery Driver

One of the better jobs, I think (totally not biased). Just driving around listening to music and delivering big sausage pizzas to neighborhood MILFs. 

Overall Grade: B+

Selling Nuts (and pickles and dried fruit) at Farmers Markets

Oddly specific right? Wrong. All my real friends are nuts about nuts but only a few are nuts about pickles and dried fruit too. Its a fucking art.

Wouldn't be right if I didn't shit on it anyway.

Overall Grade: F

 

Emm Dee Dubbs aka I'm breaking out the Pukka Shells

*Says in Australian accent* WUTTT?!?! one guy doesn't like BJ's the other doesn't like beer, nahh I'm just given ya a hard time. It is indeed Memorial Day Weekend fuckers, the kickoff to a summer of boozin with some pals and doing the sex, and by boozin with some pals and doing the sex I mean study for MCAT's and sell Nuts & Pickles at farmers markets while I slowly slip further into alcoholism by drinking by myself.  However, MDW is always one gigantic and awesome party, and for me it often meant going down the shore. That's why, for this post I shall post the best shore destinations. Like all of my rankings on this site it is based off of complete scientific facts. So if you don't agree then you are completely and utterly wrong, idiots.

Point Pleasant, there is one reason and one reason only that I have Point Pleasant on this list, and that is beach volleyball. Seeing as I am the greatest volleyball player ever to grace the courts in Jersey, I thoroughly enjoy partaking in the beach tournaments that are held in Point Pleasant throughout the summer.  You get tan and sweaty and get to oil your teammates up, oiling and lotion and oiling. Plus this:

Wildwood, the grossest, scumiest, most AIDS ridden part of the Jersey shore aside from Seaside, and I love it for all of its shittiness.  The boardwalk is basically an episode of Gangland now, but nevertheless it is still extremely entertaining.  Plus there are no rules in Wildwood, if you wanna party hard and maybe get stabbed this is your perfect beach destination. Plus people wear shit like this to the beach and you instantly feel better about yourself:

Atlantic City, another shit hole, but gambling and beers. "But Bill you could just go to Vegas" Shut the fuck up did you read what I said gambling and Beers.

The greatest place on the face of the Earth, Long Beach Island.  My personal favorite of every single Jersey shore destination that has ever been conceived.  Its the perfect place to either relax and chill out with the family, or party hard with your friends.  The Beach and bay are within walking distance from each other making there so much more room for activities with boats and fishing, or drinking on the beach.  I love this place its better than fucking disneyworld.  I could go on for days about why its the best but I'll refrain and just mention a few things: Chegg, Fantasy Island, 1 Million Mini Golf courses, the beach, liquor stores on every corner, the beach, the bars, and everything. I fucking love LBI.

Omissions:
-Seaside (If I wanted to get AIDS I'd have sex with Magic Johnson instead of rub up on a bunch of Guido fucks)
-Sea Isle City (I'm not from Philly assholes)
-Ocean City (great fucking place, its where I went after prom, but too family friendly aka its a dry town. Best Boardwalk though)
-Asbury Park (the Boss is the only bright spot, other than that it should be called Ghetto by the Sea)

There's the spiel, enjoy your MDW. Party, have fun, get tan, barbecue your fucking face off, and God Bless America and the great people who have served this country.

An Ode to Shorts Weather

Yes I am back, I know this is what you've all been waiting for for weeks, but I was captured by the Mexican Cartel during spring break and I have finally made my daring escape. I am currently sitting in a Mexican coffee shop with my pinky toe missing, and the first thing I am to do is blog, so you're all welcome. This goes out to it finally starting to get warm up north and because I fucking love wearing shorts.

If there's one thing I love more than drinking, women, Game of Thrones, and Leonardo Dicaprio in the world it's being able to wear shorts. Its cleavage for men, hey babe you see these Calves? boom underwear slushies for days.  Shorts weather provides more freedom in the legwear game for all. There is nothing like it, it, it simply fuels my insatiable desire for alcoholic beverages and wearing pastels. Daylonging and shorts weather go hand in hand and just make me want to venture down the shore.  The shorter the inseam the better, Skies out fucking thighs out.  There are just so many great options, even gym shorts are awesome, because I just feel more athletic in them. If I'm wearing Jordan's with gym shorts, I'm almost positive I would dominate Lebron in a one on one game and then his son would start calling me Daddy. Alllllll of the shorts are amazing except for a few (yes this is contradictory, but I'm awesome so blow me).

  

This is the worst.

Ladies don't get me wrong your asses all look great in booty shorts and daisy dukes, but please stop fucking wearing high waisted shorts. You wanna look like a pregnant mom walking around in the summer? I mean I guess that's cool why don't you just go ahead and make me a PB&J with no crusts, and make it snappy. I hate these atrocities that women have come so accustomed to, you look like idiots I'm just going to start calling you all Urkel. Let me see if my shorts can reach my boobs, if they can I win. Fuck that, gimme some daisy dukes and stop looking like you're about to hop into a mini van to soccer practice. Don't forget the fucking clementines.

Lookin's for free touchins gunna cost ya

WHY?!

For the dudes, if you wear shorts way below the knee that are not gym shorts please log the fuck off.  This isn't the fucking 90s, do you have a wallet chain too? I can smell your virginity in those jorts bro. Then do not even get me started on fucking cargo shorts, they are the bane of my entire existence. I want to start a full fledged war against this crime against humanity. WHY DO YOU NEED SO MANY POCKETS?! You all look like boners wearing those shorts. Let's go toss the nuva ring (frisbee) around, and I'll keep my magic the gathering cards in my extra pockets. I ALWAYS have my deck on me. These shorts make me want to stab myself in the face with a fork. Feel free to walk around in these shorts if you never want to make any sexual contact with the opposite sex (or even the same sex if you're into that sort of thing) ever. If I could I would burn all of the excess pockets off of every pair of cargo shorts in the world. Sure I have friends that wear cargo shorts, but I'm still convinced only commies and terrorists wear them.

This is all just my humble opinion and basically ranting bullshit. Everyone enjoy shorts weather and the ability to drink during the day outside. God Bless America.

I Made the Bald Man Cry

Yupp you guessed it, after quite a long hiatus, the topic of discussion is indeed masturbation.  Is this inappropriate? Maybe. Do I give a shit? NOPE. Is everything that I am about to write fairly true for most men? I would like to believe so.  Cracking stick is a time honored tradition that has been present since the beginning of time, and nowadays it has just become far to easy.  Free porn everywhere, Miss teen (insert state here)'s just jumping into the sex game.  Duke students even turning to porn to pay for the egregious tuition that is accompanied by a private University.  This is all just an absolute result of the extreme demand for new and improved adult films.  This shall be one of my more extensive blogs, as I am a connoisseur of types on the subject.  First I shall go through the various stages of cranking the monkey from the onset of puberty to the humdrum yanking of middle age and old age. Then, I will simply rank the best pornstars on the market today by scientific fact, and by scientific fact I mean my own personal preference.  Finally, and most importantly I will list the best possible clean up devices.  Without further ado my masterpiece on masturbation:

Stage 1: We fuck like rabbits, but without vaginas:  This is the single most important moment in a man's life, not getting fucking married, not your first born child, and not the USA brings home the gold in hockey, but when you first discover that magical moment of rubbing your little nub until the nectar of the Gods runnith over.  You are usually aged 12-13, maybe a little younger maybe older, depending on when puberty begins for you.  However, at this point you realize there is something amiss about you.  Random boners begin appearing like they're an adobe update on your computer (shitty metaphor, but they happen a fucking LOT).  So finally, you've seen that puberty movie and it's time to test what that overly excited prick in the video was talking about.  You find your mom's "Cosmo" or "Vogue" with a picture of a slam like Jessica Alba in a skimpy outfit, if you're lucky you can find a swimsuit issue of "Sports Illustrated" (Marisa Miller you will always have my heart) and you just go for it.  After this is done, you cannot believe that something this fucking amazing exists, and you start doing it whenever and pretty much where ever you can.  Your mom and dad begin wondering why you spend so much time in the bathroom, and how they continuously run out of tissues so fast.  This is the 3-4 times a day stage, and if you say that's excessive you're a fucking idiot and are lying to yourself.  You did the 3-4adays for at least a short term in your life.  Hell, whenever I have enough time and I'm not getting consistently getting laid I revert to this primal instinct of just going until my manhood is chafed. Slowly this fades though, and your wee willy winky starts chafing hard. This brings us to

Stage 2: THIS IS ALLOWED ON THE INTERNET?!: Oh you sly dog you? Someone told you about Redtube didn't they you sick little fucker.  I do remember distinctly the first time I ever found free porn on the internet.  It is quite the monumental day, you are not quite sure what to expect and then you click on your first video.  Fireworks everywhere, doves fly out of your fucking closet, you can't even believe something like this is FREE. The very first person I ever yanked it to in porn was Jayden Jaymes, and I oogled her bountiful breasts for days, and to this day I remain in my belief that I would marry her flappy vagina and all.  She just has a special place in my erections.  It all varies for everyone, but this usually occurs between 13 and 14 years. Going to go ahead and get all psychological on you, but your HPG (Hypothalamus, Pituitary, and Gonade) axis begins to significantly increase, which results in quite the higher sex drive.  Therefore, you no longer are jerkin it 4 times a day, but it is also no longer something you want to do all the time but something you NEED to do all the time. The decline in the amount you do it is most likely due to the first attempt at becoming sexually active with the opposite sex (or same if you're into that, I'm not one to judge). If you are lucky enough to get an on top of the pants hand job at the school dance, you were one cool cat, other than that you were most likely turning towels in your house into vague sculptures of your own privates.

Stage 3: I should have a PhD in this: This is the point in high school at which you just know the mechanisms and perfect timings of when to get off and to quickly do it.  At this time you are like a well oiled machine, 20 minutes before its time to sleep you rip a frozen rope off, and boom such a serene night sleep.  This stage usually occurs around the age of 15 and lasts all the way until you get to college, and maybe beyond depending on whether or not you have a roommate.

Stage 4: 5 minutes is all I need: Most people are not like my roommates and me, where we simply announce when we are going to do this dirty deed and tell them to fuck off for 10 minutes.  Most of you will have to find a set window in which you can rub one out.  This is a time in which you are so good that it can take less than 4 minutes to set your swimmers free.  You know exactly when your roommates have class and have a set of videos you use in order to perform methodically and swiftly.  This is possibly when the worst type of exposure occurs as well.  You are smack dab in the middle of your stroke sesh, and BOOM roommate decided to skip class today and has caught you mid vinegar strokes. Embarrassment ensues, and you cannot look that roommate in the eye for a week, because he has officially seen you at your most vulnerable and knows exactly what your soul looks like. This can be one of the more unintentionally intimate moments of your life.

Stage 5: Am I going to have enough in the tank to have kids?: You are most likely graduated from college at this point, and are either living with your parents, have your own place, or are living with roommates somewhere.  In the case you are living with your parents again you revert back to stage 3, and if you have roommates you continue with Stage 4. However, you do enter a new stage in which you are completely alone (considering you do not have a significant other living with you yet).  At this point its a free for all, you can do it anywhere, on your couch, in your kitchen eating cereal, or laying down in the hallway because why the fuck not?

Stage 6: So this is what real life feels like: Now you have a spouse or serious girlfriend or relationship of some sort, maybe you even have kids and have started a family.  In the beginning the sex is pretty consistent and you do not really have to worry about rubbing one out all that much.  Every once in awhile you wait until she leaves to shop/go to the gym/grocery shop, and you just pound it out needing a different surface to stimulate you rather than the same vageen.  This stage is not so bad, because of how often you engage in intercourse, but this soon wears off.

Stage 7: Stretch marks and mom jeans: Life has beaten you down, sure you may have a solid jobs, and done a decent job of raising your kids, but your beaten down tired and slowly slipping into alcoholism.  You get laid on your anniversary, and maybe Valentine's day or your birthday (pick one).  The mom genes and general stickiness of the house/car has just depleted your sex drive.  However, the platinum blonde with the DD's who just takes a pounding like a champ still really gets you going (you sick old fuck).  There's no time to yourself anymore though, how the fuck are you supposed to crank the monkey? After she falls asleep at night you slip into the bathroom and quickly set your army free. This is discrete, as you pray your kids don't wander into your bedroom from a nightmare, or that the volume on your smartphone accidentally goes on, but you get off and it is sweet relief. (sidenote: having the You watch porn? talk with your girlfriend is the most pointless conversation of all time.  No fucking shit I watch porn, what dude doesn't watch porn? You know who doesn't, asexuals that's who.  What do you jerk off to fucking stoves or something?)

Stage 8: The Twilight Zone: You're an old dude, is it even worth popping viagra to give yourself a handjob or get some saggy ass, nope. I honestly don't even know what to do here just good fucking luck everyone, I'm not living past 60. You sure about that Bill? Guarantfuckingteed.

Now for the pornstars, yes the moment we've all been waiting for the smut of the smuttiness. Yes, this ranking system is completely based off of scientific studies about hormone levels and arousal levels, and not at all based off of my friend's and my opinion. There is no possible way I could possibly order this, because its all a mood sort of thing.

Abella Anderson: Jesus christ, that petit latina tight body, and those gigantic eyes, just fucking wow.  Speaking Spanish and English at the same damn time, and she can ride with the best of them. I feel like I'm atop a majestic stallion whenever I rub one out to her.

Mia Malkova: Slam central station, kills the game in actually being pretty, unlike most porn chicks who are made of plastic, but I cannot help but love anyway. She's a young buck making big moves, and can just house a wiener like there's no tomorrow. I applaud you Mia.

Dani Daniels: She's the rookie sensation coming out of the lesbian porn game, and going full fledged penetration up in this bitch. She's sneaky hot, someone you could bring home to the folks without them realizing there's been a plethora of male genitalia within her utterus (is that where the penis goes?).

Christy Mack: Not for the faint of heart, I'm almost positive Christy could rip my dick off sew it back on and still be able to get me hard.  Christy could just ride cock round the world for 80 days and still kill the game. Everyone's complaining "but the tattoos Bill" blow me, that girl is a badass motherfucker and I'll let her take me to pound town any day of the fucking week. 

I couldn't decide so its a tie between: Tori Black and Madison Ivy: Both are just champions of the porn world, absolute juggernauts.  Maximus would have been slain instantly if he was thrown into the pit with these two.  Oily and lotion oily and lotion, I can't take it anymore!! (takes 5 minute hiatus). Whew back. These two though they just seem to get what every overtly horny male needs and they bring it to the table 100% of the time.

Finally, you have the best items to clean up with.  This is more of a helpful guide rather than an actual ranking list.

5. Toilet paper: You jerked off in the bathroom didn't you, you disgusting animal. I hope you enjoy the little bits of charmin ultra soft caressing your junk all day.

4. Tissues: Bed side table, but you're still getting the little sprinkles sticking to your head like a cake pop from starbucks.

3. Sock: Old school, but this bad boy has been with you since the beginning of time and he's always there for you when you truly cannot find another means of cleanliness.

2. Towel: This is the most absorbent and easiest to clean up with, but nobody wants jizz in your towels that sucks ass.

1. Paper towels: Wow! that's bounty soft, almost as absorbent as a towel and is disposable, boom best option no matter what. I have a six pack under my bed as we speak.

Bonus Section: Yupp I'm not quite done writing about porn or masturbation. This is my personal top 5 veterans of the porn industry.

5. Katie Morgan: Late night Shotime after mom and dad went to sleep, nuff said, just flip the cushions you miscreants.

4. Jayden Jaymes: I stated early, first girl I ever cranked it to, she will always have a special place in my heart.

3. Lela Star: This dirty latina minx, just always knew how to get me off. I feel like she just gets me as a person, as if I could talk long walks on the beach with her and then bury my face in her ass.

2. Lisa Ann: To quote Hank, "She's an industry legend." She's just an absolute classic and just loves to fuck.

1. Rachel Starr: My all time favorite, I could create an army with the amount of times I've gotten off to her. This is a matter of personal opinion, but she fuck like a giraffe during mating season (I don't think that's an actual metaphor, butt fuck it. Lawlz spelling can be punny).

There ya have it gents, my masterpiece, my Sistine chapel, my Mona Lisa, my atomic bomb. Hope you enjoyed it.

Who said that? "Hawthorne"

My hiatus is no more, I know because we have so many avid fans this was a much anticipated return to the life of a professional college student. In honor of the greatest actor of all time being snubbed at the Oscars once again I am going to run down Leonardo Dicaprio's top 5 acting performances of all time. These will be based on his performance in the role rather than how amazing the movie was. Lets get going.

5. Teddy Daniels- Shutter Island: This is one of the craziest movies I have ever seen in my entire life, the ending is just so perfectly unsettling that you cannot help but stand up and applaud. Leo plays the disturbed US Marshall investigating the disappearance of a patient on the island of a psychological ward.  His performance is riveting and emotionally stimulated, and by the end the watcher truly feels for Teddy in his untimely demise into a psychotic state of Amnesia. Basically what I just said is by the end, you're sitting there with goldfish falling out of your mouth saying, "What the actual fuck?"

Notable quote: "Which would be worse - to live as a monster? Or to die as a good man?"

4. Jack Dawson- Titanic: This character while, is an amazing performance is on this list for one reason and one reason only, every woman in the world collectively overflowed with wetness from this.  He causes a Noah's ark level of poon juice to flow around the world during this role, and for that Leo you are just a goddamn legend.

Notable quote: "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!"

3. Jordan Belfort- The Wolf of Wall Street: Snub city, population Leo. Just a phenomenal role, played to absolute perfection by the sexiest man alive. Leo is the only person who could have pulled this role off, blow me McConaughey. His breaking of the fourth wall and calm narration, along with his electric character had me believing I could make 48 million dollars a year. His character just grasped me, and drew me into the movie. I do not believe that there has been a central character that truly makes the movie as amazing as it is besides Leo in this one.

Notable quote: "I will not die SOBER!"

2. Arnie Grape- What's Eating Gilbert Grape: Blown the fuck away, I laughed, I cried, I got extremely emotional.  Straight chills down my spine, while he is playing this mentally handicapped role.  I couldn't even handle it just amazing all around.  This proves Leo's versatility and all around acting chops, well done sir.

Notable quote: "I could go at anytime."

1. Billy Costigan- The Departed: This should come as no surprise to anyone, accompanied with the greatest movie ever made, comes Leonardo Dicaprio's greatest role.  William Costigan Jr. the anxiety ridden, undercover, and disturbed cop defines the legendary status that is Leonardo Dicaprio.  Everything about him in this screams perfection, no other person could have ever pulled off this role, I don't give a shit if Daniel Day-Lewis actually went undercover for 2 years and then filmed the role, it will never compare to what Leo does as Billy Costigan. He plays calm cool and collective in front of Jack Nicholson's diabolically hilarious character, and follows up showing the mental instability that comes with working as an undercover cop.  I'm recommending William Costigan for the Medal of Merit.

Notable Quotes (can't expect me to pick just one): "Maybe it would have done you some good to have some *questions* from time to time, you know? "Am I an asshole? Are my kids a mess? Is my wife a money-grubbing whore?" I mean, those are questions, right? "Have I ever been good to my dying sister or am I just now pretending to be?"

"All due respect Mr. Costello, school is out."

"Is there something that you just wanna go ahead and ask me? 'Cause I'll give you the fuckin' answer, all right? Frank, look at me. Look at me. I'm not the fuckin' rat. Okay? I'm not the fuckin' rat."

"Look... look, I'm having panic attacks, alright? The other night I thought I was having a fucking heart attack. I puked in a trash barrel on the way over here. I haven't slept for fucking weeks."

"Two pills? Great. Why don't you just give me a bottle of scotch and a handgun to blow my fucking head off! Are we done here with this psychiatry bullshit?"

"Aw, come on, you fucking moron. Come on. What, you want me to say it? Huh? I'm not a cop, alright? I'm your fucking cousin."

"I'm not a fucking cop!"

"Look at it this way: You're a black guy in Boston. You don't need any help from me to be completely fucked."

"What? So you can get the parade? The bagpipes and bullshit? Fuck you! Fuck you! I'm fucking arresting you!"

"You accuse me once, I put up with it. You accuse me twice... I quit. You pressure me to fear for my life and I will put a fucking bullet in your head as if you were anybody else. Okay?"

"You hear me, you two-faced faggot?"

"You sit there with a mass murderer. A mass murderer. Your heart rate is jacked, and your hand... steady. That's one thing I figured out about myself in prison. My hand does not shake... ever."

You're a Douche: the Hipster

Welcome to the first installment of You're a Douche which spotlights all the douche who boil any true American's red blood each and every day.

Today's douche was inspired by actor Shia LaBeouf's recent stunt. The guy walked down the red carpet at a movie premiere with a bag over his face saying "I am not famous anymore" and has been tweeting it every day for a month.

You're a fucking movie star literally walking down a red carpet but you're "not famous anymore"?

Shia, you're a douche and so are all the hipsters out there who do act like this.

Pretending not to care/know about pop culture

This kills me. All these hipsters out there pretending not to know about newsworthy events. Oh yea of course you're too busy being a hipster to know THAT ITS SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. That's like saying Ryan Seacrest doesn't know when New Years is (RIP Dick Clark). The Super Bowl goes beyond sports fan vs. non-sports fan. Its just a national phenomenon.

Music/Movies "before it was popular"

 

Hipsters love underground and indie movies and music which I'm totally fine with. Whatever floats your boat. The problem is that if one of these become popular/mainstream the hipster becomes a deer in headlights. If they like something that's mainstream, they will most definitely melt into nothing like every girl's panties around ya boy James Franklin. To combat this and save face, hipsters will tell you constantly how long ago they started to like the band/song/movie. Nice try dickhole.

PBR

Hipsters love PBR. Everyone's heard this and it has become a commonly accepted trend. But why? I did some research on the web and apparently back in the late 90s, PBR was considered to be so shitty, such an abysmally terrible beer, that hipsters started to drink it to be ironic. I'm no beer snob but this is straight up retarded and I will say no more.

Clothes

It looks like they made an entire outfit out of a lost & found in a soup kitchen. Also I will never understand wearing glasses without lenses.

Because of the unfathomable obsession with irony, to the hipster I say, you're a douche.