Group of Death more like Group of Countries who suck eggs (boom faced)
Germany: They let the Nazi's play in the World Cup, seems suspect to me. Especially since they already lost to Pele and Sylvester Stallone once. What I seem to be gathering about this team is that they simply can't compete, complete and utter trash. They'll win one game in this group if they don't get taken as POW's for their war mongering Nazi ways. Sign the Treaty of Versailles and get the fuck outta my face you German weirdos.
Ghana: Seeing as I wouldn't be able to locate Ghana on a map for a million dollars, I'm going to go ahead and say they're going to lose all their games. Sorry Bout it Betch!!!
Portugal: Oh you mean the country where the city of Lisbon is located. And in that city all drugs are legal. Yeah that's a fucking good idea, this 1600s powerhouse is gunna be shooting up on the field. Good luck finding clean needles in Brazil. They have a guy named Cristiano Ronaldo who is apparently the best player in the world. America has a little someone by the name of Lebron James, ever heard of him? We'll out dive these pussies any day of the week, they'll lose 2 of their games and tie 1.
USA: Do I really have to say anything here? Who's won the most World Wars? Uhmmmm that would be us. Who invented Grass? That's right Thomas Edison an American, bet you didn't know that did ya. Without him there wouldn't even be a world cup. I just learned you something so hard your brain might have exploded, you're welcome Planet Earth. Plus we have Freedom, Liberty, White Castle, and Leonardo Dicaprio. You heard it here first, we go undefeated and win the World Cup. Not shocking the world because we're awesome and everyone else sucks eggs (boom faced again, man I'm on a roll).
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| Please and Thank you |
Brazil: Host country scmost country. In the past two world cups they had a guy who looked like a donkey (Ronaldinho), a guy who was the best but got fat (Ronaldo), and a guy who's name is poop (Kaka), Ha his name is poop. Good luck with that guys. They'll make it out of their group in first place.
Mexico: I love fucking mexican food, but I'd be more impressed with their soccer team if, when they lost they'd get sacrificed to the Gods like the Aztecs used to do like in that sweet 100% accurate animated movie the Road to El Dorado. Maybe if they didn't complain about the weather when they lost to America they'd win some games. Win 1, tie 1, lose 1.
Croatia: They're first king was Tomislav in 925 AD, don't know anything about their soccer team, but you just got an extremely useful fact thrown straight in your faces.
Cameroon: Fun as fuck to scream at the top of your lungs. Samuel Eto'o only has one consonant in his last name, they'll make it out of the group as well.
The Group I Can Probably drink more than:
Spain: What you haven't conquered a country in like 200 years? Good fucking luck trying to win at sports bro. They advance, and won't lose a game.
Netherlands: They wear Orange, when their flag is blue, white, and red, enough said. You'll have plenty of time to roll doobies while you're living in a van down by the river. Get it because weed is legal there, man liquid gold on the jokes in this one. They will advance as well.
Chile: If I wanted to eat something that makes my asshole comparable to Mount. Vesusvius I wouldn't watch soccer. Maybe if they had an Incan witch doctor curse the rest of the teams they'd win a game. They'll win 1 and lose the rest.
Australia: Foster's Australian for I can't play soccer for shit. Maybe if there was some outrageous fun involved they could pull off a win, but highly unlikely. Sorry Aussies this isnt rugby, you have to be a pussy to be able to play this game. Won't win a game.
How did these teams make the World Cup?
Colombia: Maybe if this was a competition for who could grow the most cocaine they'd be able to advance. Boom faced.
Greece: Go make me a Gyro, I fucking love gyros they're absolutely delicious. Sadly that's all the Greeks are good at especially after almost bankrupting the entirety of Europe. They shall not advance.
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| Boner Soup. |
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| I'm assuming this is how they'll arrive. |
Haven't we beat all these countries in Wars?
Uraguay: When you have Edward Cullen on your team your bound to lose, shiny vampire boners. Sweet Sun in your flag, I bet you think all the planets revolve around it, fucking idiots. If Edward Cullen doesn't play they won't advance.
England: Uhmmm hey England, who won the Revolutionary war and the war of 1812, that's right America. Can't win your wars, you can't win sports its a proven scientific fact. They shall advance as long Edward Cullen doesn't play.
Italy: Wait who'd you guys lose to in WW2, that's right America again. I have special hatred in my heart for these spaghetti benders, solely because they are probably the top diving team in the world. Be less of men while playing a professional sport italians...you can't. They'll advance. They've also spawned the worst type of people in the world...Guidos, fucking gross.
They let Girls play Men Sports?:
Switzerland: "Wait the world's going to fall into an apocalyptic nuclear war, yeah no we're going to go ahead and remain neutral still," These wieners should stick to things they know skiing and sniffing their own farts.
Ecuador: I legitimately have nothing to say about Ecuador. Do they have rainforests there? If they do I could dig some Rainforest Cafe right meow. Those are the same things right? Won't advance.
France: I'm not sure how the french are going to win any games by surrendering before they even start, its a bold strategy cotton. Go ahead and try you old cheese smelling, silly accent having weirdos. They shall advance.
Hondurus: They have enough people in their country to field a soccer team?
The Actual group of death and not for the reasons you think:
Argentina: Messi looks like a hobbit, he's only good because Gandalf granted him special abilities and Aragorn straight up murders anyone who tries to steal the ball from him. They'll advance, one ring to rule them all and one ring to find them.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Is this some sort of indian food?
Iran: Who knows what they could hide in their beards, be careful out there guys. Won't advance.
Nigeria: The opponents are going to have to focus on not being kidnapped and sold into being a child soldier, that and playing soccer? Almost going to be impossible to beat them. Advance city population KONY2012. (Yes I know Kony was from Uganda, but the guy who filmed the documentary masturbated in public so its funny).
Sometimes I sit in my basement and eat Peanut Butter naked: What who said that?
Belgium: Belgium, I'm going to have to go ahead and have you stop trying to play soccer and get back to making waffles and eating mayonnaise. Thanks. They shall advance.
Algeria: Isn't this where Aladdin is from? I'm pretty sure I could sing circles around these weens with "A Whole New World". I've had a animated movie based off of me too, its a little movie called "A Brave Little Toaster" ever heard of it?
Soviet Union: So we meet again Stalin, you commie bastard. Good thing America dominates communists at sports. How'd TJ Oshie's balls taste you commie bastards. If we Reagan punch them they don't even stand a chance.
There it is, sorry bout it World, but America's got this shit in the bag. You're welcome for the fool proof analysis and the infallible predictions.
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