Stage 1: We fuck like rabbits, but without vaginas: This is the single most important moment in a man's life, not getting fucking married, not your first born child, and not the USA brings home the gold in hockey, but when you first discover that magical moment of rubbing your little nub until the nectar of the Gods runnith over. You are usually aged 12-13, maybe a little younger maybe older, depending on when puberty begins for you. However, at this point you realize there is something amiss about you. Random boners begin appearing like they're an adobe update on your computer (shitty metaphor, but they happen a fucking LOT). So finally, you've seen that puberty movie and it's time to test what that overly excited prick in the video was talking about. You find your mom's "Cosmo" or "Vogue" with a picture of a slam like Jessica Alba in a skimpy outfit, if you're lucky you can find a swimsuit issue of "Sports Illustrated" (Marisa Miller you will always have my heart) and you just go for it. After this is done, you cannot believe that something this fucking amazing exists, and you start doing it whenever and pretty much where ever you can. Your mom and dad begin wondering why you spend so much time in the bathroom, and how they continuously run out of tissues so fast. This is the 3-4 times a day stage, and if you say that's excessive you're a fucking idiot and are lying to yourself. You did the 3-4adays for at least a short term in your life. Hell, whenever I have enough time and I'm not getting consistently getting laid I revert to this primal instinct of just going until my manhood is chafed. Slowly this fades though, and your wee willy winky starts chafing hard. This brings us to
Stage 2: THIS IS ALLOWED ON THE INTERNET?!: Oh you sly dog you? Someone told you about Redtube didn't they you sick little fucker. I do remember distinctly the first time I ever found free porn on the internet. It is quite the monumental day, you are not quite sure what to expect and then you click on your first video. Fireworks everywhere, doves fly out of your fucking closet, you can't even believe something like this is FREE. The very first person I ever yanked it to in porn was Jayden Jaymes, and I oogled her bountiful breasts for days, and to this day I remain in my belief that I would marry her flappy vagina and all. She just has a special place in my erections. It all varies for everyone, but this usually occurs between 13 and 14 years. Going to go ahead and get all psychological on you, but your HPG (Hypothalamus, Pituitary, and Gonade) axis begins to significantly increase, which results in quite the higher sex drive. Therefore, you no longer are jerkin it 4 times a day, but it is also no longer something you want to do all the time but something you NEED to do all the time. The decline in the amount you do it is most likely due to the first attempt at becoming sexually active with the opposite sex (or same if you're into that, I'm not one to judge). If you are lucky enough to get an on top of the pants hand job at the school dance, you were one cool cat, other than that you were most likely turning towels in your house into vague sculptures of your own privates.
Stage 3: I should have a PhD in this: This is the point in high school at which you just know the mechanisms and perfect timings of when to get off and to quickly do it. At this time you are like a well oiled machine, 20 minutes before its time to sleep you rip a frozen rope off, and boom such a serene night sleep. This stage usually occurs around the age of 15 and lasts all the way until you get to college, and maybe beyond depending on whether or not you have a roommate.
Stage 4: 5 minutes is all I need: Most people are not like my roommates and me, where we simply announce when we are going to do this dirty deed and tell them to fuck off for 10 minutes. Most of you will have to find a set window in which you can rub one out. This is a time in which you are so good that it can take less than 4 minutes to set your swimmers free. You know exactly when your roommates have class and have a set of videos you use in order to perform methodically and swiftly. This is possibly when the worst type of exposure occurs as well. You are smack dab in the middle of your stroke sesh, and BOOM roommate decided to skip class today and has caught you mid vinegar strokes. Embarrassment ensues, and you cannot look that roommate in the eye for a week, because he has officially seen you at your most vulnerable and knows exactly what your soul looks like. This can be one of the more unintentionally intimate moments of your life.
Stage 5: Am I going to have enough in the tank to have kids?: You are most likely graduated from college at this point, and are either living with your parents, have your own place, or are living with roommates somewhere. In the case you are living with your parents again you revert back to stage 3, and if you have roommates you continue with Stage 4. However, you do enter a new stage in which you are completely alone (considering you do not have a significant other living with you yet). At this point its a free for all, you can do it anywhere, on your couch, in your kitchen eating cereal, or laying down in the hallway because why the fuck not?
Stage 6: So this is what real life feels like: Now you have a spouse or serious girlfriend or relationship of some sort, maybe you even have kids and have started a family. In the beginning the sex is pretty consistent and you do not really have to worry about rubbing one out all that much. Every once in awhile you wait until she leaves to shop/go to the gym/grocery shop, and you just pound it out needing a different surface to stimulate you rather than the same vageen. This stage is not so bad, because of how often you engage in intercourse, but this soon wears off.
Stage 7: Stretch marks and mom jeans: Life has beaten you down, sure you may have a solid jobs, and done a decent job of raising your kids, but your beaten down tired and slowly slipping into alcoholism. You get laid on your anniversary, and maybe Valentine's day or your birthday (pick one). The mom genes and general stickiness of the house/car has just depleted your sex drive. However, the platinum blonde with the DD's who just takes a pounding like a champ still really gets you going (you sick old fuck). There's no time to yourself anymore though, how the fuck are you supposed to crank the monkey? After she falls asleep at night you slip into the bathroom and quickly set your army free. This is discrete, as you pray your kids don't wander into your bedroom from a nightmare, or that the volume on your smartphone accidentally goes on, but you get off and it is sweet relief. (sidenote: having the You watch porn? talk with your girlfriend is the most pointless conversation of all time. No fucking shit I watch porn, what dude doesn't watch porn? You know who doesn't, asexuals that's who. What do you jerk off to fucking stoves or something?)
Stage 8: The Twilight Zone: You're an old dude, is it even worth popping viagra to give yourself a handjob or get some saggy ass, nope. I honestly don't even know what to do here just good fucking luck everyone, I'm not living past 60. You sure about that Bill? Guarantfuckingteed.
Now for the pornstars, yes the moment we've all been waiting for the smut of the smuttiness. Yes, this ranking system is completely based off of scientific studies about hormone levels and arousal levels, and not at all based off of my friend's and my opinion. There is no possible way I could possibly order this, because its all a mood sort of thing.
Abella Anderson: Jesus christ, that petit latina tight body, and those gigantic eyes, just fucking wow. Speaking Spanish and English at the same damn time, and she can ride with the best of them. I feel like I'm atop a majestic stallion whenever I rub one out to her.
Mia Malkova: Slam central station, kills the game in actually being pretty, unlike most porn chicks who are made of plastic, but I cannot help but love anyway. She's a young buck making big moves, and can just house a wiener like there's no tomorrow. I applaud you Mia.
Dani Daniels: She's the rookie sensation coming out of the lesbian porn game, and going full fledged penetration up in this bitch. She's sneaky hot, someone you could bring home to the folks without them realizing there's been a plethora of male genitalia within her utterus (is that where the penis goes?).
Christy Mack: Not for the faint of heart, I'm almost positive Christy could rip my dick off sew it back on and still be able to get me hard. Christy could just ride cock round the world for 80 days and still kill the game. Everyone's complaining "but the tattoos Bill" blow me, that girl is a badass motherfucker and I'll let her take me to pound town any day of the fucking week.
I couldn't decide so its a tie between: Tori Black and Madison Ivy: Both are just champions of the porn world, absolute juggernauts. Maximus would have been slain instantly if he was thrown into the pit with these two. Oily and lotion oily and lotion, I can't take it anymore!! (takes 5 minute hiatus). Whew back. These two though they just seem to get what every overtly horny male needs and they bring it to the table 100% of the time.
Finally, you have the best items to clean up with. This is more of a helpful guide rather than an actual ranking list.
5. Toilet paper: You jerked off in the bathroom didn't you, you disgusting animal. I hope you enjoy the little bits of charmin ultra soft caressing your junk all day.
4. Tissues: Bed side table, but you're still getting the little sprinkles sticking to your head like a cake pop from starbucks.
3. Sock: Old school, but this bad boy has been with you since the beginning of time and he's always there for you when you truly cannot find another means of cleanliness.
2. Towel: This is the most absorbent and easiest to clean up with, but nobody wants jizz in your towels that sucks ass.
1. Paper towels: Wow! that's bounty soft, almost as absorbent as a towel and is disposable, boom best option no matter what. I have a six pack under my bed as we speak.
Bonus Section: Yupp I'm not quite done writing about porn or masturbation. This is my personal top 5 veterans of the porn industry.
5. Katie Morgan: Late night Shotime after mom and dad went to sleep, nuff said, just flip the cushions you miscreants.
4. Jayden Jaymes: I stated early, first girl I ever cranked it to, she will always have a special place in my heart.
3. Lela Star: This dirty latina minx, just always knew how to get me off. I feel like she just gets me as a person, as if I could talk long walks on the beach with her and then bury my face in her ass.
2. Lisa Ann: To quote Hank, "She's an industry legend." She's just an absolute classic and just loves to fuck.
1. Rachel Starr: My all time favorite, I could create an army with the amount of times I've gotten off to her. This is a matter of personal opinion, but she fuck like a giraffe during mating season (I don't think that's an actual metaphor, butt fuck it. Lawlz spelling can be punny).
There ya have it gents, my masterpiece, my Sistine chapel, my Mona Lisa, my atomic bomb. Hope you enjoyed it.
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