pH = 14

That's you ladies.

Sometimes you just literally can't right?

Ya boy Jimmy is back to break down forms of kryptonite to your average basic bitch. (Bill will be adding his own musings as well)

who said 3 Doors Down is irrelevant?

Starbucks Line

When the line for Starbucks is too long I literally can't

They just need the PSL or pink iced drink thing (is that just minute maid in a starbucks cup?) to survive. Without it they're a fish out of water, a salted snail, a vagina-less Crosby, an attention-less Bron Bron, a straight Michael Sam. It just can't happen. (Note by Bill: This was the funniest sentence I've ever read)

You know they could walk to a less crowded Starbucks.

Fuck Rovell

Beyonce

My God she is just too fierce, I literally can't.

They deal with a Beyonce song coming on at a party by promptly launching themselves at the bodies' of all of their friends and screaming the nonsensical lyrics at the top of their lungs. It becomes a waterfall of poon juice as soon as they hear the word #surfbort, I don't know what the fuck a #surfbort is, but it gets basic betches wetter than a Peter North frozen rope. 

I literally can't handle how perfect she is.

Hey ladies I'm pretty sure she's had a child, her vagina is warzone and is far from perfection. 

This video still gets me going though. I said goddamn, goddamn.

Instagram Birthdays 

OMG, my partner in crime, my other half, my sister, it's your birthday and I literally can't.

Question: If a basic bitch doesn't pic stitch an instagram picture of her BFFUIHY (Best friends forever until I hate you) does this birthday actually happen? I'm pretty sure I've only turned one year older in the last 5 years, because I've only been instagrammed once. I don't understand this necessity, but if I'm not showing everyone I know on social media how much I love the friends I met 2 months ago then I'm not living life. 

I'm pretty sure all basic bitches' phones have a self destruct feature if they forget to instagram their friend's birthday. 

However, I believe in you ladies you don't have to do it, delete that picstitch you can do it. 

This is about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop

Yoga Pants:

You know what gals keep doing your thang with this one. 

Wine Night with My Bitches

LADIES NIGHT ONLY!! No boys tonight you silly sluts.  We're going to drink half a bottle of wine and yak on each other, then cry in the bathroom for 4 hours about "Why Scott feels the need to look at other girls. Am I not good enough for him?!" Wine night with the gals we're going to complain about how hot celebrities look while we scarf down oreos dipped in nutella, and an extra large pizza. 

"Why can't I look like her, like I work out!" I can also see that gnarly fucking grease stain running down your shirt. 

Deep down though girls. Never fucking change you're the best and then I wouldn't have anyone to make fun of. Plus by some divine miracle you let me enter your private parts and it is absolutely wondiferous. 

Love you ladies.

But not really

.