An Ode to Shorts Weather

Yes I am back, I know this is what you've all been waiting for for weeks, but I was captured by the Mexican Cartel during spring break and I have finally made my daring escape. I am currently sitting in a Mexican coffee shop with my pinky toe missing, and the first thing I am to do is blog, so you're all welcome. This goes out to it finally starting to get warm up north and because I fucking love wearing shorts.

If there's one thing I love more than drinking, women, Game of Thrones, and Leonardo Dicaprio in the world it's being able to wear shorts. Its cleavage for men, hey babe you see these Calves? boom underwear slushies for days.  Shorts weather provides more freedom in the legwear game for all. There is nothing like it, it, it simply fuels my insatiable desire for alcoholic beverages and wearing pastels. Daylonging and shorts weather go hand in hand and just make me want to venture down the shore.  The shorter the inseam the better, Skies out fucking thighs out.  There are just so many great options, even gym shorts are awesome, because I just feel more athletic in them. If I'm wearing Jordan's with gym shorts, I'm almost positive I would dominate Lebron in a one on one game and then his son would start calling me Daddy. Alllllll of the shorts are amazing except for a few (yes this is contradictory, but I'm awesome so blow me).

  

This is the worst.

Ladies don't get me wrong your asses all look great in booty shorts and daisy dukes, but please stop fucking wearing high waisted shorts. You wanna look like a pregnant mom walking around in the summer? I mean I guess that's cool why don't you just go ahead and make me a PB&J with no crusts, and make it snappy. I hate these atrocities that women have come so accustomed to, you look like idiots I'm just going to start calling you all Urkel. Let me see if my shorts can reach my boobs, if they can I win. Fuck that, gimme some daisy dukes and stop looking like you're about to hop into a mini van to soccer practice. Don't forget the fucking clementines.

Lookin's for free touchins gunna cost ya

WHY?!

For the dudes, if you wear shorts way below the knee that are not gym shorts please log the fuck off.  This isn't the fucking 90s, do you have a wallet chain too? I can smell your virginity in those jorts bro. Then do not even get me started on fucking cargo shorts, they are the bane of my entire existence. I want to start a full fledged war against this crime against humanity. WHY DO YOU NEED SO MANY POCKETS?! You all look like boners wearing those shorts. Let's go toss the nuva ring (frisbee) around, and I'll keep my magic the gathering cards in my extra pockets. I ALWAYS have my deck on me. These shorts make me want to stab myself in the face with a fork. Feel free to walk around in these shorts if you never want to make any sexual contact with the opposite sex (or even the same sex if you're into that sort of thing) ever. If I could I would burn all of the excess pockets off of every pair of cargo shorts in the world. Sure I have friends that wear cargo shorts, but I'm still convinced only commies and terrorists wear them.

This is all just my humble opinion and basically ranting bullshit. Everyone enjoy shorts weather and the ability to drink during the day outside. God Bless America.