Despite the clear disadvantage of team USA not having Herb Brooks to coach, there is still no possible way we do not win gold in Sochi. If you believe otherwise and you call yourself an American you can GET OUT!! Kaner, Parise, Jonny Quick, Uncle Sam, and Reagan's everlasting spirit, how is it even possible that we lose a single game this Olympics. With that lineup I'm almost positive they could win medals in bobsled and archery, despite the fact archery is in the summer Olympics. If Kaner gew his mullet out again I don't even think we would need to field any more players to win.
Lets do a run down of why we are going to obliterate every team in our path on the way to glory and gold.
Russia- Unless Putin is using Tom Cruise's voodoo witchcraft there is no possible way these commies win. "Oh but Bill they're not Communist anymore" Shut the fuck up, haven't you ever seen Miracle they will always be goddamn commies in my eyes. Sure they have Ovi who is sick nasty, but he refuses to play defense and he kind of looks like Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. Sorry Ovi you are not going to end up with your "precious" this time. Just go back to banging your Russian smoke of a girlfriend, and tell Putin we are coming for his ass. Serious note: Bobrovsky is nowhere near elite enough to handle the unrelenting offenses present in this games. There is the nonexistent defense factor as well. So Russia is not even going to medal.
Sweden- Irrelevent. Lundqvist is a grade A choker and that is a scientific fact. The Sedin brothers have to change each other's tampons in between periods for fear they might become men while playing. Johnny Oduya, got to love this guy lots of heart , but heart does not win gold (unless your name is Mike Eruzione and it is not). Zetterberg and Steen are solid, but so is a Ginger's boner and that's about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop (RIP Patches). Sorry Swedes take your blonde hair and go back to the North pole, or wherever the Vikings come from. Medal: Bronze.
Czech Republic- The only chance the Czech's have is if Jagr grows the mullet back with his JOFA helmet, other than that no chance. As the Cher song goes "Do you believe in life after mullets? No I fucking don't because mullets rule", I'm not sure if those are the exact words, but I know they are close enough.
Iceland- Wolff "the Dentist" Stanson is about as intimidating as they get. Insulting people's dangles and triple dekes because their dead dad's taught them how to do it is about as low as it gets. Plus, with the addition of the NHL's leading scorer Gunnar Stahl they may actually have a shot against the US. I still would not bet on them though, because Jonny Quick has got a sick glove. Medal: Silver
Canada- I'm not really positive how the 51st state of the US is allowed to field a hockey team, but I guess we'll have to allow it. Their money looks like monopoly money, Tim Horton is their most esteemed citizen, and they are all scared of the dark....How are they even a country again? Sidney Crosby is objectively the best player in the NHL, but fuck you he is the biggest pussy in sports history. WAHHH I got a concussion, blow me Sidney go cry in your basement and get swaggy with that other pussy Canadian I forget his name, Beiber is it? No shot they even compete with the US. Great moments were born from great opportunities, and from the possibility giving all the Canadian players swirlies, because they are L7 weenies. Luongo is like putting a piece of swiss cheese in goal, and all the other players were born in Canada. Only intimidating person on that team is Duncan Keith, and he would not dare hit Kaner and their chance to win back to back cups. Goddamn Canada is such a joke. Medal: Dead last pussies.
USA! USA! USA!
Sweden- Irrelevent. Lundqvist is a grade A choker and that is a scientific fact. The Sedin brothers have to change each other's tampons in between periods for fear they might become men while playing. Johnny Oduya, got to love this guy lots of heart , but heart does not win gold (unless your name is Mike Eruzione and it is not). Zetterberg and Steen are solid, but so is a Ginger's boner and that's about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop (RIP Patches). Sorry Swedes take your blonde hair and go back to the North pole, or wherever the Vikings come from. Medal: Bronze.
Czech Republic- The only chance the Czech's have is if Jagr grows the mullet back with his JOFA helmet, other than that no chance. As the Cher song goes "Do you believe in life after mullets? No I fucking don't because mullets rule", I'm not sure if those are the exact words, but I know they are close enough.
Iceland- Wolff "the Dentist" Stanson is about as intimidating as they get. Insulting people's dangles and triple dekes because their dead dad's taught them how to do it is about as low as it gets. Plus, with the addition of the NHL's leading scorer Gunnar Stahl they may actually have a shot against the US. I still would not bet on them though, because Jonny Quick has got a sick glove. Medal: Silver
Canada- I'm not really positive how the 51st state of the US is allowed to field a hockey team, but I guess we'll have to allow it. Their money looks like monopoly money, Tim Horton is their most esteemed citizen, and they are all scared of the dark....How are they even a country again? Sidney Crosby is objectively the best player in the NHL, but fuck you he is the biggest pussy in sports history. WAHHH I got a concussion, blow me Sidney go cry in your basement and get swaggy with that other pussy Canadian I forget his name, Beiber is it? No shot they even compete with the US. Great moments were born from great opportunities, and from the possibility giving all the Canadian players swirlies, because they are L7 weenies. Luongo is like putting a piece of swiss cheese in goal, and all the other players were born in Canada. Only intimidating person on that team is Duncan Keith, and he would not dare hit Kaner and their chance to win back to back cups. Goddamn Canada is such a joke. Medal: Dead last pussies.
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