Drunk Food

Everyone encounters the same hankering following immediate inebriation, and that hankering is for the worst possible food for you in your respective college town. There's the ever popular dollar slice pizza place, taco bell, McDonald's, the extremely unhealthy sandwiches, and the wing place to choose from. However, I am going to go ahead and douche it up by shitting on the majority of these places, and finding a better replacement for them.
The dollar pizza place: Where do I even begin, being from New Jersey I absolutely refuse to eat pizza from outside the NY/NJ area, because frankly every other place is shit. Don't give me the "Ohhhhh Chicago has good pizza", blow me, that's not pizza that's sauce with an inch of bread underneath.  Anyway, continuing on about the dollar slice, this place is just goddamn atrocious; there is not enough ranch in the entire universe and any other parallel universe that can make this pizza taste good. (I refuse to eat pizza outside of New Jersey without ranch) Then do not even get me started on the bathroom trip after, everyone thought the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius was bad, but those people never had dollar slice pizza. I am almost positive my bhole hairs get singed off and that poor toilet is never the same ever again. My alternative to this is simple, fly to Florence, Italy, capture an old Italian man who goes by the name Maurizio, force him with minimum wage labor to create the greatest tasting pizza on Earth. Then rent out oven space and chain him to the oven, never allowing him to leave and resulting in the ultimate experience of pizza goodness.
Taco bell/McDonald's- What can I say, these two are always unbelievably solid choices.  They just hit the spot when drunk more often then not.  My only suggestion would simply be possibly replace these mainstream fast food places with more obscure and more delicious fast food like Wendy's and White Castle.  If there were a white castle in the current town that I reside in I would never eat anywhere else ever. Ever....
Extreme Unhealthy Sandwiches- I fucking love these sandwiches don't get me wrong, but its honestly too much. Rutgers' Are U Hungry? is just unreal and delicious, but when drunk its a 120% chance that I yak if I eat one of these sandwiches when drinking.  Everyone is like "bro just stop drinking when you eat the sandwich" and I just say fuck you, alcoholism to me is like diabetes to a diabetic person.  My solution, bring in a Jewish deli. Fact, Jewish deli's make the goddamn greatest sandwiches of all fucking time. Yeah this is a stereotypical post, but is it a bad stereotype when for a scientific fact Jews and Italians make the best sandwiches (women excluded). If there were a Jewish deli in my college town, it would never be the same, there would be no more calling me a "Jersey Douche", because the sandwiches are way better in our state than any other.  People would understand the ridonkulousness that is jersey/jewish sandwiches. I can taste the pastrami now.
The Wings- I absolutely love wings and the abundant amount of sauces that are accompanied with them. (sidenote: If you ever use blue cheese over ranch for wing dip you are in fact a communist born and raised in the Soviet Union). These wings are a staple of every college town around America, and everybody loves them; however they are easy to get sick of. Anyone who orders these wings eventually finds a flavor so satisfying that they refuse to order any other flavor of wings.  This then results in a tiring of the wings and if you get tired of your favorite drunk food that proves that there can be way better options out there. My solution is simple....Breakfast for 24 hours and delivery.  A diner type place must open and strictly serve and deliver breakfast at any hour of the day.  It's 2 am you can not even feel your face at this point and BOOM english muffin with taylor ham, egg, and cheese is all up in your grill.  An orgasm of epic proportions among college students would occur as a result of an implementation of this diner.
Yes I am talking to you NCAA, I don't give a shit whether you control this or not you need to make this happen.  Fuck "student" athlete scholarships, 24 hour breakfast is way more important.  Lemme get a Taylor Ham, Egg, and Cheese on an egg bagel with Salt, pepper, and Ketchup.