Sperrys and Cream

Footwear is the most essential part of clothing when leaving your home to go out into public.  I judge you way more if you are barefoot in a public setting then if you do not have pants on.  The abundance of shoes, sneakers, and boots is ever growing.  This is to a point that people camp outside of footlockers waiting for the new Jordan's....idiots.  There's right footwear and wrong footwear no matter which you look at it. People try and say "oh I don't judge people on their appearance" no shit, but you do for a fact judge them on their shoes. I'm not talking about women's shoes either, because in all honesty I do not give a shit what they wear on their feet.  High heels phenomenal your ass looks like it was sculpted by Michael Angelo, Uggs do you need some Starbucks with those boots?, and combat/riding boots I know you ladies are not registered for the draft but do not let that prevent you from charging into battle.
Men's footwear is much different, because in all honesty most women know how to wear shoes.  Most guys are reading this and saying wow this guy is a total gayball. SHUT THE FUCK UP good luck getting laid in your fucking feet shoes you boners. This brings me to the my first point and the goddamn awful footwear that some dudes utilize.

Please no.

1. Asics (or any cross country running shoes)- Are you ready for a jog at any moment.  If you wear these shoes in public or at a social event that does not require hardcore physical activity then you are more often then not a virgin.  "They're comfotable though" alright bro go jog to the fucking 7-11 pick up your code red Mountain Dew (the best Mountain Dew) and play World of Warcraft all night. These are grade A wiener shoes.  You have to realize I am not making fun of regular sneakers, just the mesh type of running shoes that are solely meant for RUNNING and not for party going. Boom roasted.

The perfect birth control

2. Feet shoes- Nothing I really have to say here just WOW to the people who wear these, lets go live in the wild right?

The perfect party shoes duh.

3. Hiking Boots- Are you scaling a fucking mountain you Billy Goat. Go watch "127 Hours" and take your boots off. I do judge people on these boots, because they are the biggest ween boots ever, but if you wear them in snow its quite understandable.  However, you still look like your mom dresses you so good luck with that.

Sexy can I?

4. Mandles- Alright Jesus, I'll walk through the valley of darkness with you.  If you wear mandles with the sweet Velcro straps you are doing something terribly wrong in your life. Like you are definitely a psychopath or over 60 years of age. Please, never ever wear these in public if you ever want to actually have friends, or people that associate with you. I can always dig some flip flops, but mandles are legitimately the epitome of crazy people shoes, go drink some Kool aid or something you fucking weirdos.

Fucking Hippies

5. Bare Feet- This is never acceptable unless you're on the beach. No one wants to smell or see your gnarly ass feet, that's absolutely disgusting. Most likely if you see someone with no shoes on walking around some unwashed long hair and a grimy beard. These fucking hippies are the bane of my existence (them Hipsters, Sorority Girls, and Bike douche's but I digress), we get it guys it would have been sick to go to Woodstock. The 60s are over though, there's no reason to not listen to the amazing music that came out of this time period, but the hippie movement is simply done.  Everyone thinks you are goddamn smelly idiots who don't shave and preach political activism, but never actually do anything. Put some shoes on and buy some hygienic products, before I light your drum circles and hacky sacks on fire.  Damn Hippies, probably went to Canada during the draft too.

So all of this footwear suck ass, but there are a lot of amazing options as well.  In the summer the only shoes I ever wear are Sperry's, to be a douche last summer I maybe used 2 pairs of socks because I was always in sperrys.  You look good in your shoes you feel good.  Then for the winter footwear is simple, Timberland boots they are the best option out there they look fucking awesome and chicks dig 'em like scars and pumpkin spice lattes.  Aside form those shoes which are goddamn babe magnets I always had my favorite shoes growing up. My number one favorites were easily my white T-Mac 3's, those shoes were the coolest fucking sneakers on the face of the Earth, I swear they made me 1 million times better at basketball.  I would jam hard on that 8 foot net and dominate the hole with those sneakers.

I think I just came.