You're a Douche: the Hipster

Welcome to the first installment of You're a Douche which spotlights all the douche who boil any true American's red blood each and every day.

Today's douche was inspired by actor Shia LaBeouf's recent stunt. The guy walked down the red carpet at a movie premiere with a bag over his face saying "I am not famous anymore" and has been tweeting it every day for a month.

You're a fucking movie star literally walking down a red carpet but you're "not famous anymore"?

Shia, you're a douche and so are all the hipsters out there who do act like this.

Pretending not to care/know about pop culture

This kills me. All these hipsters out there pretending not to know about newsworthy events. Oh yea of course you're too busy being a hipster to know THAT ITS SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. That's like saying Ryan Seacrest doesn't know when New Years is (RIP Dick Clark). The Super Bowl goes beyond sports fan vs. non-sports fan. Its just a national phenomenon.

Music/Movies "before it was popular"

 

Hipsters love underground and indie movies and music which I'm totally fine with. Whatever floats your boat. The problem is that if one of these become popular/mainstream the hipster becomes a deer in headlights. If they like something that's mainstream, they will most definitely melt into nothing like every girl's panties around ya boy James Franklin. To combat this and save face, hipsters will tell you constantly how long ago they started to like the band/song/movie. Nice try dickhole.

PBR

Hipsters love PBR. Everyone's heard this and it has become a commonly accepted trend. But why? I did some research on the web and apparently back in the late 90s, PBR was considered to be so shitty, such an abysmally terrible beer, that hipsters started to drink it to be ironic. I'm no beer snob but this is straight up retarded and I will say no more.

Clothes

It looks like they made an entire outfit out of a lost & found in a soup kitchen. Also I will never understand wearing glasses without lenses.

Because of the unfathomable obsession with irony, to the hipster I say, you're a douche.

Sperrys and Cream

Footwear is the most essential part of clothing when leaving your home to go out into public.  I judge you way more if you are barefoot in a public setting then if you do not have pants on.  The abundance of shoes, sneakers, and boots is ever growing.  This is to a point that people camp outside of footlockers waiting for the new Jordan's....idiots.  There's right footwear and wrong footwear no matter which you look at it. People try and say "oh I don't judge people on their appearance" no shit, but you do for a fact judge them on their shoes. I'm not talking about women's shoes either, because in all honesty I do not give a shit what they wear on their feet.  High heels phenomenal your ass looks like it was sculpted by Michael Angelo, Uggs do you need some Starbucks with those boots?, and combat/riding boots I know you ladies are not registered for the draft but do not let that prevent you from charging into battle.
Men's footwear is much different, because in all honesty most women know how to wear shoes.  Most guys are reading this and saying wow this guy is a total gayball. SHUT THE FUCK UP good luck getting laid in your fucking feet shoes you boners. This brings me to the my first point and the goddamn awful footwear that some dudes utilize.

Please no.

1. Asics (or any cross country running shoes)- Are you ready for a jog at any moment.  If you wear these shoes in public or at a social event that does not require hardcore physical activity then you are more often then not a virgin.  "They're comfotable though" alright bro go jog to the fucking 7-11 pick up your code red Mountain Dew (the best Mountain Dew) and play World of Warcraft all night. These are grade A wiener shoes.  You have to realize I am not making fun of regular sneakers, just the mesh type of running shoes that are solely meant for RUNNING and not for party going. Boom roasted.

The perfect birth control

2. Feet shoes- Nothing I really have to say here just WOW to the people who wear these, lets go live in the wild right?

The perfect party shoes duh.

3. Hiking Boots- Are you scaling a fucking mountain you Billy Goat. Go watch "127 Hours" and take your boots off. I do judge people on these boots, because they are the biggest ween boots ever, but if you wear them in snow its quite understandable.  However, you still look like your mom dresses you so good luck with that.

Sexy can I?

4. Mandles- Alright Jesus, I'll walk through the valley of darkness with you.  If you wear mandles with the sweet Velcro straps you are doing something terribly wrong in your life. Like you are definitely a psychopath or over 60 years of age. Please, never ever wear these in public if you ever want to actually have friends, or people that associate with you. I can always dig some flip flops, but mandles are legitimately the epitome of crazy people shoes, go drink some Kool aid or something you fucking weirdos.

Fucking Hippies

5. Bare Feet- This is never acceptable unless you're on the beach. No one wants to smell or see your gnarly ass feet, that's absolutely disgusting. Most likely if you see someone with no shoes on walking around some unwashed long hair and a grimy beard. These fucking hippies are the bane of my existence (them Hipsters, Sorority Girls, and Bike douche's but I digress), we get it guys it would have been sick to go to Woodstock. The 60s are over though, there's no reason to not listen to the amazing music that came out of this time period, but the hippie movement is simply done.  Everyone thinks you are goddamn smelly idiots who don't shave and preach political activism, but never actually do anything. Put some shoes on and buy some hygienic products, before I light your drum circles and hacky sacks on fire.  Damn Hippies, probably went to Canada during the draft too.

So all of this footwear suck ass, but there are a lot of amazing options as well.  In the summer the only shoes I ever wear are Sperry's, to be a douche last summer I maybe used 2 pairs of socks because I was always in sperrys.  You look good in your shoes you feel good.  Then for the winter footwear is simple, Timberland boots they are the best option out there they look fucking awesome and chicks dig 'em like scars and pumpkin spice lattes.  Aside form those shoes which are goddamn babe magnets I always had my favorite shoes growing up. My number one favorites were easily my white T-Mac 3's, those shoes were the coolest fucking sneakers on the face of the Earth, I swear they made me 1 million times better at basketball.  I would jam hard on that 8 foot net and dominate the hole with those sneakers.

I think I just came. 

I Wanna be the Very Best: Gold Version vs. Blue Version

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Legs feed the Wolf

Despite the clear disadvantage of team USA not having Herb Brooks to coach, there is still no possible way we do not win gold in Sochi. If you believe otherwise and you call yourself an American you can GET OUT!! Kaner, Parise, Jonny Quick, Uncle Sam, and Reagan's everlasting spirit, how is it even possible that we lose a single game this Olympics. With that lineup I'm almost positive they could win medals in bobsled and archery, despite the fact archery is in the summer Olympics.  If Kaner gew his mullet out again I don't even think we would need to field any more players to win. 

Lets do a run down of why we are going to obliterate every team in our path on the way to glory and gold. 

Russia- Unless Putin is using Tom Cruise's voodoo witchcraft there is no possible way these commies win. "Oh but Bill they're not Communist anymore" Shut the fuck up, haven't you ever seen Miracle they will always be goddamn commies in my eyes.  Sure they have Ovi who is sick nasty, but he refuses to play defense and he kind of looks like Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.  Sorry Ovi you are not going to end up with your "precious" this time. Just go back to banging your Russian smoke of a girlfriend, and tell Putin we are coming for his ass. Serious note: Bobrovsky is nowhere near elite enough to handle the unrelenting offenses present in this games. There is the nonexistent defense factor as well. So Russia is not even going to medal.

Sweden- Irrelevent. Lundqvist is a grade A choker and that is a scientific fact.  The Sedin brothers have to change each other's tampons in between periods for fear they might become men while playing.  Johnny Oduya, got to love this guy lots of heart , but heart does not win gold (unless your name is Mike Eruzione and it is not).  Zetterberg and Steen are solid, but so is a Ginger's boner and that's about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop (RIP Patches). Sorry Swedes take your blonde hair and go back to the North pole, or wherever the Vikings come from. Medal: Bronze.

Czech Republic- The only chance the Czech's have is if Jagr grows the mullet back with his JOFA helmet, other than that no chance.  As the Cher song goes "Do you believe in life after mullets? No I fucking don't because mullets rule", I'm not sure if those are the exact words, but I know they are close enough.

Iceland- Wolff "the Dentist" Stanson is about as intimidating as they get.  Insulting people's dangles and triple dekes because their dead dad's taught them how to do it is about as low as it gets.  Plus, with the addition of the NHL's leading scorer Gunnar Stahl they may actually have a shot against the US.  I still would not bet on them though, because Jonny Quick has got a sick glove. Medal: Silver

Canada- I'm not really positive how the 51st state of the US is allowed to field a hockey team, but I guess we'll have to allow it.  Their money looks like monopoly money, Tim Horton is their most esteemed citizen, and they are all scared of the dark....How are they even a country again? Sidney Crosby is objectively the best player in the NHL, but fuck you he is the biggest pussy in sports history.  WAHHH I got a concussion, blow me Sidney go cry in your basement and get swaggy with that other pussy Canadian I forget his name, Beiber is it? No shot they even compete with the US.  Great moments were born from great opportunities, and from the possibility giving all the Canadian players swirlies, because they are L7 weenies. Luongo is like putting a piece of swiss cheese in goal, and all the other players were born in Canada.  Only intimidating person on that team is Duncan Keith, and he would not dare hit Kaner and their chance to win back to back cups. Goddamn Canada is such a joke. Medal: Dead last pussies.

USA! USA! USA!

Marchuary Days of the Week Ranked

Marchuary is the immeasurably shitty time of year that begins on Super Bowl Monday (the very worst day out of all 365) and lasts until St. Patties Day. Its cold out, football is over, and you start to have exams. But it mostly sucks more dick than Sidney Crosby because football is over. Luckily like most of you I'm still here at 4 year fantasy camp so there are still vices in which to overindulge. The Olympics are the only thing keeping me alive unless Crosby the butt pirate takes the gold right off Patty Kane's neck. That being said, some of the 7 days of the week are better than others.

                                           


7. Sunday
No football. Need sports. And Thursday is farther away than Crosby is from heterosexual (that was the last one I swear).

6. Tuesday
I'm gonna take some heat for this one but shut the fuck up and listen for a second. The majority of college students have an easier day on Tuesday/Thursday than Monday/Wednesday/Friday. So on Tuesday after class, you're probably stuck in the library with all Asians and you want to blow your brains out.

5. Monday
Tomorrow is an easy day. You can drink and stay up as late as you want watching Avatar.

4. Wednesday
The weekend is basically here. Workaholics is on, Arrow is on, and tomorrow is Thursday. Order wings and drink some malt liquor.

3. Thursday

Ok, now we're getting into the marathon of inebriation. Objectively, starting to drink like its the weekend on the day before the weekend actually starts makes negative sense, but its definitely my favorite college tradition.

Thursday is named after Thor (Thor's day); read a book peasants.




2. Saturday
Daylong. Make up an occasion and do it. Sports are pretty cool too.

1. Friday
Getting out of the last class on Friday is the best feeling you can have with your clothes on. Its like school is out for summer except summer is booze. Drinking on Thursday is great but you have that little voice in the back of your head talking about that quiz at 10:10 tomorrow so you hold back just a little. Friday is like The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin in a no holds barred cage match (Stone Cold would dominate for the record).

Rebecca Black knows

This was my first blog and the good news is that there are many more to come. Peace

Drunk Food

Everyone encounters the same hankering following immediate inebriation, and that hankering is for the worst possible food for you in your respective college town. There's the ever popular dollar slice pizza place, taco bell, McDonald's, the extremely unhealthy sandwiches, and the wing place to choose from. However, I am going to go ahead and douche it up by shitting on the majority of these places, and finding a better replacement for them.
The dollar pizza place: Where do I even begin, being from New Jersey I absolutely refuse to eat pizza from outside the NY/NJ area, because frankly every other place is shit. Don't give me the "Ohhhhh Chicago has good pizza", blow me, that's not pizza that's sauce with an inch of bread underneath.  Anyway, continuing on about the dollar slice, this place is just goddamn atrocious; there is not enough ranch in the entire universe and any other parallel universe that can make this pizza taste good. (I refuse to eat pizza outside of New Jersey without ranch) Then do not even get me started on the bathroom trip after, everyone thought the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius was bad, but those people never had dollar slice pizza. I am almost positive my bhole hairs get singed off and that poor toilet is never the same ever again. My alternative to this is simple, fly to Florence, Italy, capture an old Italian man who goes by the name Maurizio, force him with minimum wage labor to create the greatest tasting pizza on Earth. Then rent out oven space and chain him to the oven, never allowing him to leave and resulting in the ultimate experience of pizza goodness.
Taco bell/McDonald's- What can I say, these two are always unbelievably solid choices.  They just hit the spot when drunk more often then not.  My only suggestion would simply be possibly replace these mainstream fast food places with more obscure and more delicious fast food like Wendy's and White Castle.  If there were a white castle in the current town that I reside in I would never eat anywhere else ever. Ever....
Extreme Unhealthy Sandwiches- I fucking love these sandwiches don't get me wrong, but its honestly too much. Rutgers' Are U Hungry? is just unreal and delicious, but when drunk its a 120% chance that I yak if I eat one of these sandwiches when drinking.  Everyone is like "bro just stop drinking when you eat the sandwich" and I just say fuck you, alcoholism to me is like diabetes to a diabetic person.  My solution, bring in a Jewish deli. Fact, Jewish deli's make the goddamn greatest sandwiches of all fucking time. Yeah this is a stereotypical post, but is it a bad stereotype when for a scientific fact Jews and Italians make the best sandwiches (women excluded). If there were a Jewish deli in my college town, it would never be the same, there would be no more calling me a "Jersey Douche", because the sandwiches are way better in our state than any other.  People would understand the ridonkulousness that is jersey/jewish sandwiches. I can taste the pastrami now.
The Wings- I absolutely love wings and the abundant amount of sauces that are accompanied with them. (sidenote: If you ever use blue cheese over ranch for wing dip you are in fact a communist born and raised in the Soviet Union). These wings are a staple of every college town around America, and everybody loves them; however they are easy to get sick of. Anyone who orders these wings eventually finds a flavor so satisfying that they refuse to order any other flavor of wings.  This then results in a tiring of the wings and if you get tired of your favorite drunk food that proves that there can be way better options out there. My solution is simple....Breakfast for 24 hours and delivery.  A diner type place must open and strictly serve and deliver breakfast at any hour of the day.  It's 2 am you can not even feel your face at this point and BOOM english muffin with taylor ham, egg, and cheese is all up in your grill.  An orgasm of epic proportions among college students would occur as a result of an implementation of this diner.
Yes I am talking to you NCAA, I don't give a shit whether you control this or not you need to make this happen.  Fuck "student" athlete scholarships, 24 hour breakfast is way more important.  Lemme get a Taylor Ham, Egg, and Cheese on an egg bagel with Salt, pepper, and Ketchup.

Who ya gunna call?

Can not help but love Bill Murray, the man is a God among men.  Easily top 5 funniest guys of all time alongside Will Ferrell and John Belushi, but thats for a different post.  Last night among my inebriated roommates and myself something quite interesting came to my attention. We were having a discussion about movies as per usual, when I found out my one roommate had never seen Ghostbusters before. My initial reaction was one of complete and utter shock, and as I screamed and ranted about how he was missing out on a great American classic my other roommate (we'll call him Toon for now) made an interesting point. He stated that while he had seen Ghostbusters in all its Dan Akroyd glory, it was not as ridiculous as I had initially thought. The first roommate (we'll call him The Blowjob King in the North) then pointed out that the movie was indeed made in 1984 and that most likely the majority of people in our class may not have seen the movie either.  Though I began to be swayed, I still stuck to my gut and insisted that most people our age have seen the movie being as bold to say that every 7 out of 10 people our age (20) would have seen the movie.  The Blowjob King in the North as well as Toon both agreed that it would be more along the lines of 3 out of 10. Ultimately we came to the agreement that it was closest to about 50% of youths our age had seen the movie. 

This then spawned another discussion in which we tried to figure out which movie would be unanimously seen by nearly every person in our age group (19-22).  The first two were two huge dosages of nostalgia in The Lion King and Toy Story. We all conceded that if you had not seen either of those movies, as a child you were most likely locked in a dungeon forced to do hooked on phonics for 13 years. The next one was Titanic the uncontested lady boner movie of a lifetime. I personally am the biggest Leonardo Dicaprio fan of all time. If Leo were in a room with Scarjo, Mila Kunis, and Candice Swanpool all together and I was allowed to have sex with all of them I'd kill the three women and beg for Leo's sweet embrace, but I digress. Titanic is a goddamn classic and if you have not seen it at our age then you're tacky and I hate you.  Finally, there is Superbad and fat Jonah Hill (my personal favorite type of Jonah Hill) and the most high school defining movie of our generation. This movie was my freshman year of high school, this is what everyone thought high school was like. I thought I would romp through my high school and have women grind up on me and use me as a tampon. Boy was I wrong, but that may be because I attended an all guys school, but again I digress. Superbad is and forever will be one of the funniest movies of all time, you tell me you have not watched that movie and not drawn dicks all over your notebook I'll call you a bigger liar the Slick Willy saying he didn't have sexual relations with that woman. 

Go have a vagina soaked cigar Chika Chika Yeah Yeah Fake ID Fake ID. 

I got Arrows Tattooed on my Head

Currently aged 20 and premed, yet I still watch quite religiously and feverishly Avatar: The Last Airbender. Back in the day this was my absolute shit, the goddamn greatest cartoon Nickelodeon ever came out with. I watched it all the way through when it was originally on and now one of my roommates and myself watch it regularly whenever we drink, as in right at this very moment. I am simply going to discuss which the best bending power is.
1. Airbending-Not even a fucking question, if airbending is not the first choice of bending powers then you are a grade a fucking goober. You can run at superspeed, fly, and make tornadoes, this is not even a contest. Airbending hands down you'll cause all the ladies loins to drip with froth, hitting on a girl will never require effort ever again. Just take her goddamn flying, and boom wetter than fuckin Niagra falls.
2. Firebending- I know what people are thinking, but bro waterbending is way more efficient and way less damaging. Fuck you firebending is badass and that's all that matters. Do you think Jack Bauer would have fucking waterbended? No he's a great American hero and would have been a badass firebender.  He'd burn "BAD MOTHERFUCKER" into the ass of the terrorists. Firebending would be a tad destructive sure, but that's a small price to pay for being the baddest man on the face of the Earth. Therefore, firebending number 2 deal with it.
3. Waterbending- Here we are to the most useful bending, but kind of weenieish. Water bending has healing factors and can hydrate you blah blah blah, unless you are shooting ice out of your hands like jerking off to Rachel Starr and the frozen ropes that result from her. So I guess waterbending is kind of chill for wussies.
4. Earthbending- So we come to the most hardo type of bending there is. Earthbending is for all the boners out there, and if its your number one choice there is a very good chance that you are a full out communist who sits when he pees.  I hope you enjoy the splash up from wiping your vagina weeners. I guess its kinda cool they can move the Earth, but still every other type of bending dominates them.
Airbending all day, I forgot you can control lightening with fire too which just adds to the badassery.

The First Post because Hooray for Creativity

Welcome I am about to introduce you the funniest, coolest, and best looking person on Earth, myself. This first post will consist of useless bullshit, like most of my other posts on this site. 

To begin, I attend a top university in the country, and by that I mean sometimes I drink all of the beers in the college town. Then by sometimes I mean all the time, as I am a debilitating alcoholic at this point in my life. I have garnered disdain from much of the female population of this school, through various debaucherous (don't really give a shit that's not a word) exploits. To give a background I yakked on a girl's boob while having sexual intercourse with her, and continued to finish. Yes, I am a disgusting human being and I thoroughly enjoy it. I have a strong affinity for dad's and their style, I love me some dad jeans and a sick pair of New Balances. Dads shit on everyone else in the world. So everyone enjoy, this blog will discuss random bullshit and musings, mostly posts that I and my hopeful co writers find satirical, and that everyone else in the world questions our mental stability. Enjoy you boners.