Measles and Thanksgiving, You're Welcome Native Americans

By Olivia Newton-John's hyman! Thanksgiving break is almost upon us once again, and for the final time in my college career.  Its a beautiful time in the lives of most students where you go home have sex with that soft 6 from high school and drink with the dwindling group of your high school friends in one of their basements. Unless your me and went to an All boys high school, thus skipping that whole coitus business. However, there is that one day during break that truly matters.  Thanksgiving is the Green Arrow of holidays, not quite as popular as Batman (Christmas) but just as awesome in its own right.  Its a time to shit yourself in your seat after eating too much, watch all of the football, and drink beer that tastes like a basic bitch dressed in yoga pants and singing Beyonce. The most important part is the succulent food.  Having a somewhat hispanic and italian background, I had a fairly unique thanksgiving dinner experience.  In this blog though, I'm going to rank the best traditional thanksgiving dinner foods.

Overrated:
-Corn: If I wanted to shit yellow pebbles all night I'd move to Nebraska get the fuck out of my face with that.
-Turkey: Yupp, I fucking said it the turkey is overrated. Unless that majestic bird is smothered in gravy and deep fried its absolutely mediocre at best.
-Cranberry Sauce- You could freeze one of these and open up a Build-your-own-dildo shop, very similar to Build-a-bear if you ever heard of it.

The Good:

5. The stuffing: I feel like some people are iffy on stuffing, but I just have to say if its made right its fucking awesome.  Toss some sweet sausage and maybe some bacon in there and I salivate from somewhere other than my shorts for the first time since I watched Man vs. Food.

4. Cornbread, Biscuits, dinner rolls: This varies for everyone but a warm piece of this buttered up is like the feeling of a warm embrace of a woman for the first time.

3. Turkey skin: Yes, yes, I said turkey was overrated, but the skin on the other-hand is just so unbelievably good.  Its succulent and cooked to perfection, I want to drape it over myself like a buffalo Bill suit, but instead of it being fat girl skin its oven roasted turkey skin.

2. Mashed Potatoes: creamy and soaked in gravy if I could sleep in them forever I would.

1. Sweet Potato pie: Everyone has there favorite pie and mine so happens contain the unique ability to be had during dinner rather than desert.  If you've ever had a mouthful of sweet potato pie mixed with a bit of turkey skin and mashed potatoes, than you know what Margo Robbie's vagina feels like trust me, I'm a doctor.

pH = 14

That's you ladies.

Sometimes you just literally can't right?

Ya boy Jimmy is back to break down forms of kryptonite to your average basic bitch. (Bill will be adding his own musings as well)

who said 3 Doors Down is irrelevant?

Starbucks Line

When the line for Starbucks is too long I literally can't

They just need the PSL or pink iced drink thing (is that just minute maid in a starbucks cup?) to survive. Without it they're a fish out of water, a salted snail, a vagina-less Crosby, an attention-less Bron Bron, a straight Michael Sam. It just can't happen. (Note by Bill: This was the funniest sentence I've ever read)

You know they could walk to a less crowded Starbucks.

Fuck Rovell

Beyonce

My God she is just too fierce, I literally can't.

They deal with a Beyonce song coming on at a party by promptly launching themselves at the bodies' of all of their friends and screaming the nonsensical lyrics at the top of their lungs. It becomes a waterfall of poon juice as soon as they hear the word #surfbort, I don't know what the fuck a #surfbort is, but it gets basic betches wetter than a Peter North frozen rope. 

I literally can't handle how perfect she is.

Hey ladies I'm pretty sure she's had a child, her vagina is warzone and is far from perfection. 

This video still gets me going though. I said goddamn, goddamn.

Instagram Birthdays 

OMG, my partner in crime, my other half, my sister, it's your birthday and I literally can't.

Question: If a basic bitch doesn't pic stitch an instagram picture of her BFFUIHY (Best friends forever until I hate you) does this birthday actually happen? I'm pretty sure I've only turned one year older in the last 5 years, because I've only been instagrammed once. I don't understand this necessity, but if I'm not showing everyone I know on social media how much I love the friends I met 2 months ago then I'm not living life. 

I'm pretty sure all basic bitches' phones have a self destruct feature if they forget to instagram their friend's birthday. 

However, I believe in you ladies you don't have to do it, delete that picstitch you can do it. 

This is about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop

Yoga Pants:

You know what gals keep doing your thang with this one. 

Wine Night with My Bitches

LADIES NIGHT ONLY!! No boys tonight you silly sluts.  We're going to drink half a bottle of wine and yak on each other, then cry in the bathroom for 4 hours about "Why Scott feels the need to look at other girls. Am I not good enough for him?!" Wine night with the gals we're going to complain about how hot celebrities look while we scarf down oreos dipped in nutella, and an extra large pizza. 

"Why can't I look like her, like I work out!" I can also see that gnarly fucking grease stain running down your shirt. 

Deep down though girls. Never fucking change you're the best and then I wouldn't have anyone to make fun of. Plus by some divine miracle you let me enter your private parts and it is absolutely wondiferous. 

Love you ladies.

But not really

. 

What's up, Fear?

The mind finds pleasure in abundance. It enjoys ample opportunity and consistent achievement. With opportunity and abundance the mind will foster strong cognitive health, positive emotions, and constructive thinking. However, fear prevents us from capitalizing on opportunity and filling our lives with abundance. Uncertainty can hold you back. Uncertainty breeds fear. If you have an interview for your dream job and doubt creeps in, it’s because you fear you are not good enough. This fear will manifest itself in your body language. It will convey your doubt and uncertainty. People can pick up on your fear and they will punish you for it. When you are run by fear, your life rules you, not the other way around. All the negative feelings we have: doubt, apprehension, anxiety, depression, they all stem from fear. Fear of the world. And fear of ourselves. How do we prevent these feelings from taking over our lives? There is only one answer -- conquer fear.  Face your fears and you will realize that you are living freely. By pushing past your mental limitations and trying new and dangerous things you are exercising your mind. So when you next feel depressed or unfulfilled, anxious, or unworthy ask yourself these questions: Is my depression fear? You are depressed because you fear the path ahead is dark and dreary. Is my anxiety fear? You feel anxiety because you fear you might not get the results you desire. Is your self-doubt fear? You doubt yourself because you fear you are not mentally or physically capable. Ask yourself why you are having these negative emotions and then recognize they are all the children of fear. Then make the active choice to say FUCK FEAR. Face it. Embrace uncertainty. You are a man. Know that by conquering you fears you exercising your brain. You are living beyond of the restraints of your mind and fulfilling your masculine potential. When you face fear nothing is holding you back. You will feel sharp, strong, and confident. Become fearless. A fearless man knows he can accomplish anything.

Want more? Check out my website: http://thepathofpersonalpower.weebly.com

Will You Teach Me to Football?

World Cup fever baby, foot fairies of the world unite. Due to the unfortunate experience that I have had in previously engaging at a competitive level in the pussification that is the sport of soccer, I am a renowned expert. So I shall provide unparalleled feedback and predictions for every single group (not predictions when I know for a fact that they're going to be right) in this upcoming world cup.  Hey Vegas, gambling addicts, and bookies listen the fuck up and set your lines and all that bull off of what I am about to say. If you do this you'll have more pesos from that 3rd world shit stain they call a country than can fit in your sombrero. (Yes I know its in Brazil, its a joke, lighten up ya jackasses). Without further ado:

Group of Death more like Group of Countries who suck eggs (boom faced)

Germany: They let the Nazi's play in the World Cup, seems suspect to me. Especially since they already lost to Pele and Sylvester Stallone once. What I seem to be gathering about this team is that they simply can't compete, complete and utter trash. They'll win one game in this group if they don't get taken as POW's for their war mongering Nazi ways.  Sign the Treaty of Versailles and get the fuck outta my face you German weirdos.

Ghana: Seeing as I wouldn't be able to locate Ghana on a map for a million dollars, I'm going to go ahead and say they're going to lose all their games. Sorry Bout it Betch!!!

Portugal: Oh you mean the country where the city of Lisbon is located. And in that city all drugs are legal. Yeah that's a fucking good idea, this 1600s powerhouse is gunna be shooting up on the field. Good luck finding clean needles in Brazil. They have a guy named Cristiano Ronaldo who is apparently the best player in the world.  America has a little someone by the name of Lebron James, ever heard of him?  We'll out dive these pussies any day of the week, they'll lose 2 of their games and tie 1.

USA: Do I really have to say anything here? Who's won the most World Wars? Uhmmmm that would be us. Who invented Grass? That's right Thomas Edison an American, bet you didn't know that did ya.  Without him there wouldn't even be a world cup.  I just learned you something so hard your brain might have exploded, you're welcome Planet Earth. Plus we have Freedom, Liberty, White Castle, and Leonardo Dicaprio. You heard it here first, we go undefeated and win the World Cup. Not shocking the world because we're awesome and everyone else sucks eggs (boom faced again, man I'm on a roll).

Please and Thank you

"Name one thing America has given us" "Chimichangas" "Mexico":

Brazil: Host country scmost country.  In the past two world cups they had a guy who looked like a donkey (Ronaldinho), a guy who was the best but got fat (Ronaldo), and a guy who's name is poop (Kaka), Ha his name is poop.  Good luck with that guys. They'll make it out of their group in first place.

Mexico: I love fucking mexican food, but I'd be more impressed with their soccer team if, when they lost they'd get sacrificed to the Gods like the Aztecs used to do like in that sweet 100% accurate animated movie the Road to El Dorado.  Maybe if they didn't complain about the weather when they lost to America they'd win some games.  Win 1, tie 1, lose 1.

Croatia: They're first king was Tomislav in 925 AD, don't know anything about their soccer team, but you just got an extremely useful fact thrown straight in your faces.

Cameroon: Fun as fuck to scream at the top of your lungs. Samuel Eto'o only has one consonant in his last name, they'll make it out of the group as well.

The Group I Can Probably drink more than:

Spain: What you haven't conquered a country in like 200 years? Good fucking luck trying to win at sports bro. They advance, and won't lose a game.

Netherlands: They wear Orange, when their flag is blue, white, and red, enough said.  You'll have plenty of time to roll doobies while you're living in a van down by the river. Get it because weed is legal there, man liquid gold on the jokes in this one. They will advance as well.

Chile: If I wanted to eat something that makes my asshole comparable to Mount. Vesusvius I wouldn't watch soccer.  Maybe if they had an Incan witch doctor curse the rest of the teams they'd win a game. They'll win 1 and lose the rest.

Australia: Foster's Australian for I can't play soccer for shit. Maybe if there was some outrageous fun involved they could pull off a win, but highly unlikely. Sorry Aussies this isnt rugby, you have to be a pussy to be able to play this game. Won't win a game.

How did these teams make the World Cup?

Colombia: Maybe if this was a competition for who could grow the most cocaine they'd be able to advance. Boom faced.

Greece: Go make me a Gyro, I fucking love gyros they're absolutely delicious. Sadly that's all the Greeks are good at especially after almost bankrupting the entirety of Europe. They shall not advance.

Boner Soup.

Ivory Coast: Yeah, no I'm not going to write it the other way, because this is America and we speak American.  They have a guy named Yaya so they have an automatic advantage, I also assume that their country is filled with wild elephants and the entire team shall arrive atop one so, again advantage Ivory Coast. They shall advance.

I'm assuming this is how they'll arrive.

Japan: Uhmmm I'm pretty sure we beat their asses in WW2 and we can do it again. Hey Japan have more fuel efficient cars...you can't, I can smell your vaginas from here with the manufacturing of those tampons on wheels you call Prius's.  They'll advance as well.

Haven't we beat all these countries in Wars?

Uraguay: When you have Edward Cullen on your team your bound to lose, shiny vampire boners. Sweet Sun in your flag, I bet you think all the planets revolve around it, fucking idiots. If Edward Cullen doesn't play they won't advance.

Costa Rica: When your total Country's worth is around 25 coconuts, I don't think you really have a shot to win the world cup. They won't advance.

England: Uhmmm hey England, who won the Revolutionary war and the war of 1812, that's right America.  Can't win your wars, you can't win sports its a proven scientific fact. They shall advance as long Edward Cullen doesn't play.

Italy: Wait who'd you guys lose to in WW2, that's right America again. I have special hatred in my heart for these spaghetti benders, solely because they are probably the top diving team in the world.  Be less of men while playing a professional sport italians...you can't. They'll advance. They've also spawned the worst type of people in the world...Guidos, fucking gross.

They let Girls play Men Sports?:

Switzerland: "Wait the world's going to fall into an apocalyptic nuclear war, yeah no we're going to go ahead and remain neutral still," These wieners should stick to things they know skiing and sniffing their own farts.

Ecuador: I legitimately have nothing to say about Ecuador. Do they have rainforests there? If they do I could dig some Rainforest Cafe right meow. Those are the same things right? Won't advance.

France: I'm not sure how the french are going to win any games by surrendering before they even start, its a bold strategy cotton. Go ahead and try you old cheese smelling, silly accent having weirdos. They shall advance.

Hondurus: They have enough people in their country to field a soccer team?

The Actual group of death and not for the reasons you think:

Argentina: Messi looks like a hobbit, he's only good because Gandalf granted him special abilities and Aragorn straight up murders anyone who tries to steal the ball from him. They'll advance, one ring to rule them all and one ring to find them.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Is this some sort of indian food?

 Iran: Who knows what they could hide in their beards, be careful out there guys. Won't advance.

Nigeria: The opponents are going to have to focus on not being kidnapped and sold into being a child soldier, that and playing soccer? Almost going to be impossible to beat them. Advance city population KONY2012. (Yes I know Kony was from Uganda, but the guy who filmed the documentary masturbated in public so its funny).

Sometimes I sit in my basement and eat Peanut Butter naked: What who said that?

Belgium: Belgium, I'm going to have to go ahead and have you stop trying to play soccer and get back to making waffles and eating mayonnaise. Thanks. They shall advance.

Algeria: Isn't this where Aladdin is from? I'm pretty sure I could sing circles around these weens with "A Whole New World".  I've had a animated movie based off of me too, its a little movie called "A Brave Little Toaster" ever heard of it?

Soviet Union: So we meet again Stalin, you commie bastard.  Good thing America dominates communists at sports. How'd TJ Oshie's balls taste you commie bastards. If we Reagan punch them they don't even stand a chance.

Korea Republic: Too close to those psychopaths in North Korea, there's no possible way that they could win a soccer game.



There it is, sorry bout it World, but America's got this shit in the bag. You're welcome for the fool proof analysis and the infallible predictions.

No Fly Zone

Well, here I am. A broken man, who isn't even sure if he knows up from down anymore.

Its not often that I admit I'm wrong, even if I am. Why? Because fuck them thats why. However in this case I may have seen the light. 

You see a few months ago my roommates and I were having a debate about something stupid. And even though these debates are not a rarity for us, I was hotter than the hottest of twitter takes. Some of my friends said that they unbuckled their belt, unbuttoned their pants, zipped down their fly AND THEN proceeded to drain the main vain. 

I thought these guys I had been living with were stage 5 wackjobs. Why would you take that much extra time to piss when you could just unzip the fly and poke through? There is only one word that can answer this question:

Freedom

Unbuttoning the pants provides a privilege, nay, a right to freedom. The very same freedom that this country was founded upon. So I urge you, if the setting is right, go for it. Unbutton. Because in Russia they are forced to go through the fly. Can you imagine living in Russia, I sure as fuck can't.

God Bless the USA

Nuts about nuts

Sorry about the long hiatus between blogs, kids. I'm a busy guy. If you read the cranberry sans vodka drinking statie himself Billy Costigan's MDW blog, you know its the start of the summer.

This naturally means tons of this

I don't want to sound too pessimistic, but it is possible our best summers are behind us (or in front of us) but when you live in the utopia that is a college town, leaving for 4 months seems like torture. 

So far, the top summers of your life were probably from after sophomore year of high school to after freshman or sophomore year of college because all your friends are home for the summer and you're working some shitty minimum-wage job. 

I'm gonna break down the best and worst shitty summer jobs. 

The Lifeguard

I'd bet money these 2 have a Jaime-Cersei Lannister thing going on

Now I mean community pool or waterpark lifeguards here. A lot of kids do this for summer and it seems like a lot of the guys are jerkoffs who want to say they saved someone's life and the girls just want to work on their tan. 

Major pro: the view 

Overall grade: B-

Dessert Store Cashier

I've personally done the ice cream/frozen yogurt/water ice gig and it fucking SUCKS. You basically have to work nights and weekends and those are also the most busy times. There might be some tip money but most likely the pay is shit too. Fuck this.

Overall Grade: D

Landscaping

Oh shit I forgot

Overall Grade: F

Waiter

Don't fuck with people who fuck with your food.

The hours are shitty but you get tips and if the movie Waiting has taught me anything its probably kind of fun. 

Overall Grade: B

Delivery Driver

One of the better jobs, I think (totally not biased). Just driving around listening to music and delivering big sausage pizzas to neighborhood MILFs. 

Overall Grade: B+

Selling Nuts (and pickles and dried fruit) at Farmers Markets

Oddly specific right? Wrong. All my real friends are nuts about nuts but only a few are nuts about pickles and dried fruit too. Its a fucking art.

Wouldn't be right if I didn't shit on it anyway.

Overall Grade: F

 

Emm Dee Dubbs aka I'm breaking out the Pukka Shells

*Says in Australian accent* WUTTT?!?! one guy doesn't like BJ's the other doesn't like beer, nahh I'm just given ya a hard time. It is indeed Memorial Day Weekend fuckers, the kickoff to a summer of boozin with some pals and doing the sex, and by boozin with some pals and doing the sex I mean study for MCAT's and sell Nuts & Pickles at farmers markets while I slowly slip further into alcoholism by drinking by myself.  However, MDW is always one gigantic and awesome party, and for me it often meant going down the shore. That's why, for this post I shall post the best shore destinations. Like all of my rankings on this site it is based off of complete scientific facts. So if you don't agree then you are completely and utterly wrong, idiots.

Point Pleasant, there is one reason and one reason only that I have Point Pleasant on this list, and that is beach volleyball. Seeing as I am the greatest volleyball player ever to grace the courts in Jersey, I thoroughly enjoy partaking in the beach tournaments that are held in Point Pleasant throughout the summer.  You get tan and sweaty and get to oil your teammates up, oiling and lotion and oiling. Plus this:

Wildwood, the grossest, scumiest, most AIDS ridden part of the Jersey shore aside from Seaside, and I love it for all of its shittiness.  The boardwalk is basically an episode of Gangland now, but nevertheless it is still extremely entertaining.  Plus there are no rules in Wildwood, if you wanna party hard and maybe get stabbed this is your perfect beach destination. Plus people wear shit like this to the beach and you instantly feel better about yourself:

Atlantic City, another shit hole, but gambling and beers. "But Bill you could just go to Vegas" Shut the fuck up did you read what I said gambling and Beers.

The greatest place on the face of the Earth, Long Beach Island.  My personal favorite of every single Jersey shore destination that has ever been conceived.  Its the perfect place to either relax and chill out with the family, or party hard with your friends.  The Beach and bay are within walking distance from each other making there so much more room for activities with boats and fishing, or drinking on the beach.  I love this place its better than fucking disneyworld.  I could go on for days about why its the best but I'll refrain and just mention a few things: Chegg, Fantasy Island, 1 Million Mini Golf courses, the beach, liquor stores on every corner, the beach, the bars, and everything. I fucking love LBI.

Omissions:
-Seaside (If I wanted to get AIDS I'd have sex with Magic Johnson instead of rub up on a bunch of Guido fucks)
-Sea Isle City (I'm not from Philly assholes)
-Ocean City (great fucking place, its where I went after prom, but too family friendly aka its a dry town. Best Boardwalk though)
-Asbury Park (the Boss is the only bright spot, other than that it should be called Ghetto by the Sea)

There's the spiel, enjoy your MDW. Party, have fun, get tan, barbecue your fucking face off, and God Bless America and the great people who have served this country.