Nuts about nuts

Sorry about the long hiatus between blogs, kids. I'm a busy guy. If you read the cranberry sans vodka drinking statie himself Billy Costigan's MDW blog, you know its the start of the summer.

This naturally means tons of this

I don't want to sound too pessimistic, but it is possible our best summers are behind us (or in front of us) but when you live in the utopia that is a college town, leaving for 4 months seems like torture. 

So far, the top summers of your life were probably from after sophomore year of high school to after freshman or sophomore year of college because all your friends are home for the summer and you're working some shitty minimum-wage job. 

I'm gonna break down the best and worst shitty summer jobs. 

The Lifeguard

I'd bet money these 2 have a Jaime-Cersei Lannister thing going on

Now I mean community pool or waterpark lifeguards here. A lot of kids do this for summer and it seems like a lot of the guys are jerkoffs who want to say they saved someone's life and the girls just want to work on their tan. 

Major pro: the view 

Overall grade: B-

Dessert Store Cashier

I've personally done the ice cream/frozen yogurt/water ice gig and it fucking SUCKS. You basically have to work nights and weekends and those are also the most busy times. There might be some tip money but most likely the pay is shit too. Fuck this.

Overall Grade: D

Landscaping

Oh shit I forgot

Overall Grade: F

Waiter

Don't fuck with people who fuck with your food.

The hours are shitty but you get tips and if the movie Waiting has taught me anything its probably kind of fun. 

Overall Grade: B

Delivery Driver

One of the better jobs, I think (totally not biased). Just driving around listening to music and delivering big sausage pizzas to neighborhood MILFs. 

Overall Grade: B+

Selling Nuts (and pickles and dried fruit) at Farmers Markets

Oddly specific right? Wrong. All my real friends are nuts about nuts but only a few are nuts about pickles and dried fruit too. Its a fucking art.

Wouldn't be right if I didn't shit on it anyway.

Overall Grade: F

 

Emm Dee Dubbs aka I'm breaking out the Pukka Shells

*Says in Australian accent* WUTTT?!?! one guy doesn't like BJ's the other doesn't like beer, nahh I'm just given ya a hard time. It is indeed Memorial Day Weekend fuckers, the kickoff to a summer of boozin with some pals and doing the sex, and by boozin with some pals and doing the sex I mean study for MCAT's and sell Nuts & Pickles at farmers markets while I slowly slip further into alcoholism by drinking by myself.  However, MDW is always one gigantic and awesome party, and for me it often meant going down the shore. That's why, for this post I shall post the best shore destinations. Like all of my rankings on this site it is based off of complete scientific facts. So if you don't agree then you are completely and utterly wrong, idiots.

Point Pleasant, there is one reason and one reason only that I have Point Pleasant on this list, and that is beach volleyball. Seeing as I am the greatest volleyball player ever to grace the courts in Jersey, I thoroughly enjoy partaking in the beach tournaments that are held in Point Pleasant throughout the summer.  You get tan and sweaty and get to oil your teammates up, oiling and lotion and oiling. Plus this:

Wildwood, the grossest, scumiest, most AIDS ridden part of the Jersey shore aside from Seaside, and I love it for all of its shittiness.  The boardwalk is basically an episode of Gangland now, but nevertheless it is still extremely entertaining.  Plus there are no rules in Wildwood, if you wanna party hard and maybe get stabbed this is your perfect beach destination. Plus people wear shit like this to the beach and you instantly feel better about yourself:

Atlantic City, another shit hole, but gambling and beers. "But Bill you could just go to Vegas" Shut the fuck up did you read what I said gambling and Beers.

The greatest place on the face of the Earth, Long Beach Island.  My personal favorite of every single Jersey shore destination that has ever been conceived.  Its the perfect place to either relax and chill out with the family, or party hard with your friends.  The Beach and bay are within walking distance from each other making there so much more room for activities with boats and fishing, or drinking on the beach.  I love this place its better than fucking disneyworld.  I could go on for days about why its the best but I'll refrain and just mention a few things: Chegg, Fantasy Island, 1 Million Mini Golf courses, the beach, liquor stores on every corner, the beach, the bars, and everything. I fucking love LBI.

Omissions:
-Seaside (If I wanted to get AIDS I'd have sex with Magic Johnson instead of rub up on a bunch of Guido fucks)
-Sea Isle City (I'm not from Philly assholes)
-Ocean City (great fucking place, its where I went after prom, but too family friendly aka its a dry town. Best Boardwalk though)
-Asbury Park (the Boss is the only bright spot, other than that it should be called Ghetto by the Sea)

There's the spiel, enjoy your MDW. Party, have fun, get tan, barbecue your fucking face off, and God Bless America and the great people who have served this country.